Kiss
by simplysarcastic
Summary: I’ve heard you can learn everything you want to know about a man’s heart through just one kiss. We’ll see about that. LJ
1. Stranger in My Mirror

**Disclaimer: **All that belongs to me is the ever bizarre Elly, the bitter Robert, Amber Harper, the blond girl in the dress shop and the very unfortunate Becky Bloomwood. Otherwise, ask JK Rowling. Oh, and the twisted plot is mine.

**Kiss**

**Chapter I- Stranger in My Mirror**

_It's maddening, frustrating._

_That's what they say. _

_I mean, really, out of every single face, every single nice, handsome bloke, it had to be him. I guess it is fate, even if it sounds a bit dodgy in my opinion. It could have been nice, quiet Remus Lupin, the first guy I ever loved. Or loud, hilariously funny Sirius Black, my ex-best friend, jaded ex-boyfriend, and the only person that could me laugh so much that I had urges to collapse and roll around in the mud._

_But, no, it had to be him, the only person who can get my blood really pumping, who matches me in everything equally and often beats me with my own set of rules. But I guess that's how it works, in the game of love. My mum told me, a while back, when I was but a wee little girl, that sometimes you just had to stop fighting against the current, stop battling against everything sent my way and just let it sweep me away, at least for a little while._

_She was right. But now, because I listened, I'm stuck. Really, honestly, completely stuck. I mean, there's nothing left, no doors open, no hopes left, all my guardian angels are on vacation. I've tried everything, tried it all. But, no matter what, I'm still crazy for him._

_Alright? Happy?_

_I, Lily Evans, am totally, completely, and recklessly in love with James Potter. And there's nothing you can do about it, I've tried it all. _

**The** redheaded girl finished writing with a flourish of her eagle feather quill and reclined back into her seat, pleased with what she had accomplished. She watched the fire dwindle, flames flickering merrily under her intense gaze. Then she glanced down at the book that lay open on her knees, rereading the words that she had written earlier.

She looked exhausted, her eyes lacklustre, her skin missing its usual warm glow. Her red tresses lay lank around her pasty skin, and she looked as if she had lost a bit of weight. Apparently, the war raging on outside the castle walls had affected her more then she let on.

"Lily…?" A voice drawled from behind the redhead. The fair-skinned girl swiftly shut her book and turned to see who called her name. Her face brightened and a smile appeared from nowhere as she recognized the owner of the voice.

"Elly!" The girl, Lily, bolted up, and embraced the much taller girl.

Elly rolled her mismatched eyes, though her smile was equally warm and friendly, and she good-naturedly replied. "It's Elladora, stop giving me those sissy nicknames." She gave Lily an once-over, and suddenly lost her pleasant composure. "Lily, what happened? You look horrid!"

Lily glared, pouting at Elladora childishly. _That_ _was her Elly: brutally honest and very opinionated. _"Thanks Elladora, you're too kind. You don't look so fabulous either."

"Lily," Elladora said firmly. "Stop changing the subject."

She glanced away from her friend's commanding presence, watching two third years play chess. "I've been ill, it's nothing."

"_Nothing_? You look like your best friend died, or your house burned down to a crisp." Elladora retorted, her eyes flaming.

"It's _nothing_," Lily muttered feebly, "Though I do sometimes wish you'd bugger off once in a while."

Elladora made a small huffing noise and gave Lily one last sour look, before she stomped away furiously. Her faded blond ponytail swayed along with her irritated steps, and a few first years sidestepped her, apprehensively inching away. Both seventh year girls had a reputation for being hot-blooded and having quick tempers.

Lily collapsed back into her seat, worn out from the brief argument. It was always like this, maybe her friend was right. Lily did look horrid, and she felt even worse inside. All the stresses of being Head Girl, top student, role model and caring, flawless girlfriend were taking their toll on her. Not to mention the fact that Robert had recently begun pressuring her to give up her virginity, even though she wasn't ready yet.

Then there was that tiny fact that she was in love with James Potter, who probably hated her for everything she had said to him these past years.

Yep, Lily definitely had her hands full. Now, to top it all off, Elly was mad at her.

Quietly, as though she didn't want to surrender yet, but was being forced to, Lily packed up her bag. Stuffing loose sheets of parchment, half-empty bottles of ink, thick textbooks and a small leather-bound notebook into her brand-new carrier bag (a present from her Great-Aunt Camille), she stood up and cast one last look at the almost-empty room. Finally, she heaved a tired sigh and marched up the staircase that led to her old room, smiling softly at the thought of a good-nights sleep.

When she finally made it into her shared room, she slipped off her shoes and dropped her heavy bag before collapsing onto her bed, falling into a deep slumber the minute her head hit the plush pillow.

Down below, a young woman with mismatched eyes grinned impishly and laughed.

.x.

**The** first thing Lilyheard when she awoke the next morning was happy, cheerful singing, ear-splitting rock music blasting and the rushing of water. She blearily cracked her eyes open, wincing when she realised that she had drooled on her pillow, and half-heartedly tried to wrestle her way out of her tangled bed sheets. Her head felt like a science experiment. Suddenly, a freckled face popped into her vision, smiling the best it could with a toothbrush dangling from her mouth.

"'Ello Lils, morning." She vanished again, bouncing away with a smile and hopping onto the nearest bed, enthusiastically playing air guitar, all the while still brushing her teeth.

Gosh. Elly was _such_ a bloody freak. Lily idly watched her friend join in the chorus of the song, stumbling through the words, but not caring much. Her red tartan baggy pyjama pants hung low on her narrow hips, almost sliding off, and her black tee shirt was four sizes too big on her. Finally, Elladora stumbled on the hem of her loose-fitting pants and collapsed on the ground beside the bed, panting from the exertion.

"Have you calmed down enough?" Lily said dryly as she slid out of her bed sleekly and stuffed her feet into the fuzzy slippers that lay beside her bed. She noticed distastefully that she was still wearing her uniform from the day before, which was now wrinkled and smelled like the dungeons.

Elladora rolled her eyes and snorted, "_Freak_" under her breath. "Haven't even started. Just wait 'till I get some food in my system, then I'll go crazy." She adjusted her pyjama pants and waltzed back into the bathroom, humming along with song that had replaced the first contentedly.

Lily shook her head in amusement. No matter how much Elly annoyed her, she still adored her for being so… bizarre. She waited for a few minutes, shedding her old clothing and slipping into a new set. Then she ambled to her mirror, which had given her a rather rude remark on her hair (_'You call that hair? It looks like a rat's nest, that does!'_), and brushed the tangled brambles quickly, before tossing it into a high ponytail.

At last, Elladora slipped out, dressed in another slightly shapeless black top and form-fitting stone-washed jeans. Dozens of bracelets jangled at her bony wrists, and on her long fingers thick, chunky rings winked up at Lily. Her straggly bleached hair was falling around her oval face, swaying with each brisk step. "Well, I'm off, Lily, meet you at breakfast."

Before Lily could respond, Elladora had already flown out the door. She walked into the bath lightly, quickly washing her face and teeth with quick, brief movements. She smeared moisturiser onto her skin before applying a thick line of brown eyeliner right above her almond-shaped eyes and brushing at her long lashes with a mascara brush. As a final touch, she smeared some pink gloss on her lips and smiled at her reflection, surveying it for any mistakes.

The short-sleeved top, a soft peach shade, fit her well, complimenting her shapely body. Her jeans were too tight, but she was having separation anxiety about parting with them. The jeans were old, three or four years spent in her closet, and faded naturally from much wear. Length-wise, they were perfect, which was horribly embarrassing for Lily, as that was incriminating evidence that she had barely grown in height in the last few years. Meanwhile, waist-wise, it squeezed her to death. She had developed hips, something she hadn't had at fourteen, and gained a stone, which she was endlessly trying to loose. Still, she adored them.

With a spray of her favourite fragrance, Lily was ready to go for the day. In a flurry of sweet-smelling perfume and curly ruby locks, she was gone.

.x.

"**I** personally think that cute Ravenclaw fourth-year, Hestia Jones, is Diggory's new girlfriend. Any takers?" Elladora concluded, taking a bite of her scrambled eggs.

Lily chewed her honey-smeared toast thoughtfully, glancing over at the dark-haired girl Elladora had indicated earlier. "Nah, I think Amber Harper seems so much more likely." She jerked her head in the direction of a sandy-haired girl sitting at the Hufflepuff table, eating a slice of fruit as she chattered to her friends contently, unknowingly being watching by two critical seventh years.

"Hmm, that's true. Jones is too young for him, and she's much too naïve." Elladora admitted, forking a piece of sausage and stuffing it into her mouth.

Lily nodded, as her mouth was full of toast. Both girls sat there, satisfied with the relaxed atmosphere surrounding them. They could hear a milk jug crash to the ground and spill the cool white substance all over the stone tiles, to soon be absorbed by the ground.

"Hiya Lily, Ella," an ebullient voice chirped from behind the twosome. "You alright?"

Elladora bit the inside of her cheek to keep herself from correcting the girl's fatal mistake and instead busied herself with a chocolate chip scone.

"Alice!" Lily exclaimed, a bit too enthusiastically, "We're good, you?"

Alice Wells, soon to be Longbottom, was probably the perkiest girl Hogwarts had ever seen. Her straw-coloured hair was constantly wavy and bouncy, her round eyes a bright blue-green and her mouth always set in a sweet, childlike smile. Today, she had opted for a soft beige skirt and a trumpet-sleeved pale pink blouse. Her shoulder-length curls were pulled back with a three-pearl hairclip.

"Oh, I'm swell, Frank just bought me this lovely dress robe," she gushed. "It was much too expensive, but he didn't mind." Alice's fiancée, Frank, was an Auror-in-training, and constantly bought lavish gifts for Alice. When his measly pay check allowed, that was.

"You're so lucky, Alice," Lily exclaimed, as genuinely as she could. "You've got to show me it sometimes!"

While Alice erupted into an extensive narrative of the dress, nibbling on a peaches and cream scone delicately, Lily met Elladora's apathetic, sulky gaze and exchanging a sympathetic look. She noticed Alice's pearl-drop earrings matched her hairpin, necklace, ring and bracelet perfectly and rolled her eyes. But, the thing was, you really couldn't blame her.

Alice was just too naive and ingenuous to help it. She was earnest, and disliked lying for any reason. She was pleasant, but overly so.

Finally, Alice trailed off, still grinning warmly. "Anyways, I must be off. I'm meeting Frank at Hogsmeade, and I'd hate to be late."

She slipped off the bench and pranced off gaily, quickly being accosted by her friends. Soon, the twittering group left the hall, leaving the room quite a bit quieter.

"Well, day can't get any worse, can it?" Elladora muttered, stabbing her cold sausage with vengeance.

Lily rolled her eyes. "Stop acting like that Elly, really, she didn't do any harm."

"Except making me look and feel like a fat cow," Elladora responded gruffly, pushing her food around her plate unhappily.

Merlin, if there was anyone scrawnier then Elladora, they'd be nothing but skin and bones.

"You aren't fat Elly, stop being an idiot. If anyone should complain about their weight, it should be Becky Bloomwood."

Becky was an extremely obese seventh year Ravenclaw, who was avoided by all males like the plague. With her chunky arms and legs, face made of pasty dough, owlish glasses and limp brown hair she was one of the least attractive girls in the entire school.

"Well, I eat like a bloody horse," Elladora said, eyes dulled. "And compared to Wells, I'm such a bloody bitch to everyone."

Lily heaved a heavy sigh. "Well, you've got a brilliant digestive system, you're lucky. And, Elly, compared to Alice, everyone seems like an evil bitch. Stop whining."

That seemed to work.

Elladora stuffed a final scone into her mouth, brushing off any remaining crumbs off her shirt and stood, waiting impatiently. "You're right, Lils. That _was_ incredibly pathetic. Now, lets go, or we'll miss the carriages."

Since Elladora always had mood swings like this, Lily just accepted the sudden change and joined her mate freely. "You scare me sometimes, Elly, you really do," she commented as the two ran outside, catching the final carriage and jumping inside.

"Thank you, Lillian. Now, what did I say about nicknames again?"

.x.

"**So**, Robbie, love, d'you like it?" Lily asked as she spun around, the navy dress she had tried on swirling around her feet. She cast a hopeful look over at her handsome boyfriend, who looked very uninterested.

"It looks nice. How much is it?" He asked as his gaze settled at the tightly-drawn fabric covering her breasts.

"Only twenty-five galleons!" Lily exclaimed happily, knowing that she had gotten half-price on the deal, since she was a Hogwarts student and a friend of Elladora's. The shopkeeper was her aunt.

Robert's dark, straight brows shot up, disappearing into his wavy golden-brown hair. "That much? Just get some nice dress for ten galleons, it doesn't matter." He waved his hand dismissively and soon let his attention waver to a tall, thin blonde who was trying on skimpy black dresses with matching three-inch spiky heels.

Lily blushed and muttered a muffled agreement before slipping into the changing room, mortified. It _did_ matter. It mattered a whole lot to her. She hated when Robbie acted like this, so cold and impressive, as if he were so much better then her.

She quickly removed the navy gown and fingered the last gown's silky fabric. She had saved for last, as she liked it best. It was much too expensive, but she really wanted to try it on. It was long and straight, with a sweeping skirt, a rich, forest green. With a daring neckline, tight bodice and subtly hidden sequins decorating the top, it was too risqué for her usual tastes. But she could see herself in it, dancing with the man she loved, grinning like a love struck fool.

Shaking her daydreams away, Lily decided to try it on. If she looked like a bloody dimwit, she would take it off, and her mind wouldn't be so riddled with want. She quickly slipped on the gown, wrinkling her nose at the sight of her flabby stomach. It zipped up with little difficulty. Lily pulled her bobble out of her frizzy curls and with a bated breath spun around, her eyes widening at the girl in the mirror. She looked like a complete stranger.

All her flaws seemed masked and wiped away, from her flabby stomach, wide hips and short legs. Instead, the dress emphasised every single good quality and made her look… fabulous. Her full breasts were pushed up pertly, the smooth, creamy skin tempting. Her eyes seemed brighter and bigger, and her cherry-red hair, which normally clashed with almost every single colour, looked miraculous.

Lily gulped and eyeballed the price tag, feeling remorse flood through her stomach. 250 galleons. She had nowhere near that much money to spend. And she knew Robert would never waste his precious money on something as frivolous as a dress. She took one last look at the beautiful stranger in the mirror, sighing dejectedly, before she gathered her regular clothing, stripped off the robe carefully and dressed quietly.

She didn't want him to see her in the dress. That would somehow make everything seem much more final. She would keep the dress as her own little secret, something to daydream about on dreary days.

In her jeans and top, she looked quite commonplace and dreary, nowhere resembling the dazzling young woman that had stood there moments ago. She glared at the familiar freckled features and strode out of the changing booth, suddenly furious. She scanned the room for her boyfriend, eager to leave the store, and saw him talking to James Potter, gesturing madly, and checking out Potter's blond companion, who was prancing around the area in a tight red dress, the hemline barely a few inches below her well-rounded bottom.

"Robbie!" She called, running up to him. "Let's go, I've picked my dress."

"Hi Lily-," James Potter gave her an appraising look, smiling cockily at her, "-you alright?"

Lily blushed furiously and looked away from his esoteric hazel eyes. She really couldn't deal with this at the moment. "Hello Potter, I'm fine."

Gosh. When did he turn so goddamn gorgeous? Lily couldn't help it. She gave his very fit body a look over, gulping down any proclamations of love that might escape from her lips.

His black hair looked more windswept then usual, and his eyes were so bright they seemed almost feverish. His chiselled, handsome face was lightly tanned from the days he spent playing Quidditch in the warm sunlight. His body was lean and tall; Lily barely reached his collarbone and every muscle seemed defined and firm.

His eyes sparkled and his generous lips quirked into an amused smile as he noticed her interest, but he didn't voice it, "That's a nice dress robe, Lily, are you buying it?" He gestured to the dark green gown that hung off the crook of her arm, resigned to its fate.

Lily shook her head regretfully, "No, it's much too steep for my wallet."

He nodded, a frown riddling his charismatic face. "Oh, that's a pity."

"Yeah, I really love it." Lily sighed, not really realising that this was probably the first time in their entire history that they were agreeing on a common subject.

"Ehm," Robert cleared his throat, his blue eyes looking straight at Lily, "Well, we'd better go."

"Oh, yes," Lily asked absentmindedly, breaking eye contact with James. "We've got to, don't we?"

"Alright, well, I'll see you later Rob, won't I?" James said, grinning as if nothing was wrong.

"Yeah, see you later Potter." Robert swiftly hooked his arm with Lily's and swept her away, towards the cash register.

Lily gave the pale-haired woman, Elly's Aunt Clarice, the navy dress, smiling warmly at the petite woman.

"Lily! I see you've chosen your graduation robes!" She exclaimed merrily, as she surveyed the dress through narrowed amethyst eyes. "Do you need it hemmed, dear?"

Lily nodded. "Yes, an inch and a half from the bottom and I need the straps shortened."

"It'll be ready in a week, if you'd like it done by hand. They usually turn out better that way." She explained.

"Sure."

Lily handed Clarice the money required, stuffing the much lighter wallet in her purse, smiling briefly. She felt the sinking feeling of depression in the pits of her stomach as she took one last needy look at the gorgeous dress, before Clarice whisked it away.

The twosome, a forlorn Lily and a protective Robert, ambled out the door, hand in hand. They were soon joined by an enthusiastic, loud girl with sun-bleached locks and her much calmer companion.

Still, neither was particularly content that day.

.x.

AN- Review if you'd like me to continue, or else this will vanish in the next few weeks. Take that as a threat. Ooh, and for those curious, a **stone** equals about 13 pounds. Remember …

_**0** – Say your farewells._

_**1-5** – I'll think about it._

_**5-10** – Two weeks, at the least._

_**10-30** – One week, guaranteed._

_**30 – Above** – Give me **three** days. At the most. _

That would be the update scale. I shall attempt to follow it. You have been warned.

Btw, this originally had lyrics, but because of the new banning, it no longer contains any. If you'd like some, may I suggest _'He Wasn't'_ by **Avril Lavinge**?

Ria.


	2. All of That

**Disclaimer- **See first chapter.

**Kiss**

**Chapter II- I Wish I Never Met You (All of That)**

_Alright. So, we've gotten past the fact I love him, and the fact that he doesn't, but what do you do when you think he really** does** like you? I mean, seriously, I was resigned to the fact that he didn't care, and I didn't care back (or at least publicly) then he goes and **flirts** with me. Yes, the amazing, gorgeous Head Boy flirts with little, old dumpy Lily Evans. Talk about mixed messages. I know he's always liked me to some extent, but to the point when it comes to flirting? Blasphemy. _

_But now I'm confused. And completely, brilliantly fucked. Because I promised myself that I would forget about him. Though…one little kiss won't hurt, will it? Just one itty, bitty ickle kiss just to see. Just to see if he's really all that great. Maybe then my mind will let it go. Though it never really does that. _

_But you could always try, right?_

Lily grinned. She fingered her quill, thinking of what else she could lament about in her journal, but found she had no idea. When you ignored the James Potter Situation (JPS) things were pretty well off for the young girl.

She ran a trembling hand over her loose denim bell-bottoms, fingering a slash in one knee absent-mindedly, before resting her shaking fingers across her lap. She looked a lot better then before, with her frizzy mane swept up into a high pigtail, her eyes bright and well rested, a ready smile spread across her face and a neat mauve long-sleeved top stretched over her curvaceous chest. She skimmed through the text that lay across her lap, trying to absorb some of the problematical content.

It was difficult. It seemed like the words flew over her head, and she heaved a chagrined sigh as she attempted to comprehend what she was reading for the final time. It didn't work. Finally Lily began to pack her bag, sorting through the many piles of scribbled on parchment, extensive notes, heavy textbooks and meticulous diagrams while she waited for Elladora to finish talking with a raven-haired, green-eyed girl, who was gesturing around herself frantically.

Finally, Elladora nodded and walked over to Lily, a frown marring her usually pleasant appearance. Her lean, stick-like legs stuck out from under her pleated plaid kilt and her vivid crimson v-necked sweater was a size too big. Her long, unkempt hair was pulled into a hasty plait on the side of her head. Her best-friend had really bad fashion sense.

"Susie keeps saying that she has no idea where Robbie is," Elladora grumbled when she reached Lily, her huge, round eyes gleaming furiously.

Susie was Robert's younger sister, a rather conceited fifth-year Ravenclaw. She matched Robert in looks, sharing his sharp features, narrow face and sun-kissed skin. Instead of his reddish-brown hair she had black tresses, from their mother's side of the family, and olive-green eyes that glimmered with intelligence and often pomposity instead of dull blue eyes that held a menacing tone to them.

Lily shrugged, feeling her muscles tense as she wondered about what her boyfriend was doing. "Maybe he's somewhere outside, playing Quidditch or something."

Elladora nodded, twisting a strand of hair around her finger thoughtfully. "Would you like to go check? I've finished all the work for the week yesterday."

Lily attempted to cock an eyebrow but failed miserably, just managing to make Elladora's brows shoot up in confusion at the face Lily had made. "You finished all your work? On time?"

Elladora looked away from her friend's accusing look, focusing somewhere beyond Lily's left ear. "Some of it…"

She rolled her eyes. "Fine, you can come to look around. But don't come running to me when you need someone to copy off of. I'm definitely not going to let you."

Elladora grinned, revealing two rows of even, glowing teeth. "You're a star, Lils. So- let's go?"

Lily nodded, storing her bag under the wooden, medieval chair she had just evacuated, for her to come and pick up later. She cast Elladora a curious look as her friend struggled to release a thick bunch of locks that were wound around a chunky ring. Finally she tore them away, wincing as she did so and brushed herself off, grinning as if nothing had happened.

"So, are we going or what?"

.x.

"It is _so_ bloody cold!" Lily shrieked. Her arms were wrapped around her shoulders protectively, her teeth chattering and her lips rapidly turning an unattractive shade of blue. The wind bit viciously at the two girls, encircling them with its cold, deathly kiss.

Elladora looked equally frozen, but appeared to be saving her breath and continued to trudge along the beaten path that led to the Quidditch Pitch. Her cheeks were flushed a deep rouge and goose bumps decorated her bare legs.

Out of nowhere, a small drizzle started to pour, slowly at first, but quickly gaining strength. A rumble of thunder could be heard if you strained your ears. Fat raindrops obscured their view, and the harsh rain swept through the two, dampening their clothing, soaking their hair and ruining their dispositions.

Lily squinted into the darkness, trying to conceive if there was anyone on the pitch through the thick rainfall, and felt an overpowering rush of glee when she noticed one particularly fast blur, zooming about the field. It had to be Robbie. He hadn't been cheating on her. Relief filled her, and she broke out into a run, eager to embrace his solid warmth.

Elladora made a small noise of annoyance and followed her, though a bit apprehensively, her long legs making it much easier for her to catch up. Finally, they reached the outskirts of the pitch, and impatient to complete their race, they jogged the last few metres and stood inside the field, eyes as wide a dinner plates.

The figure on the broom, not noticing his new spectators, continued diving until he could feel the long strands of grass brush against his face and then swoop up, barely missing a near death. His dark hair was plastered to his face, and from their close proximity, the girls could see he was only clothed in tight Quidditch trousers and a loose red tee-shirt that now stuck to his muscled chest like a second skin.

"Robbie!" Lily cried out, stumbling over herself to reach him. Her shoes made prints in the muddy grass, staining the hems of her jeans.

The flier turned to look over, shocked. Identical dark hazel eyes widened in surprise and the boy had to narrowly jerk his broom in another direction to miss hitting Lily.

Elladora, from far off in the left corner, still standing still in her place, buried her head in her hands, cringing in pity for the boy. This was going to get ugly. Silently, she backed out, the rough stone pole she had been leaning on scraping against the thin material of her sweater. She vanished into the cold weather, her footsteps barely audible against the rush of the wind.

"Evans?" He questioned from his place on the ground, where he had crash-landed. His golden eyes squinted up at her incensed figure, trying to figure out what was going on.

"Potter." Lily growled. Her eyes were only two narrowed, jade slits. "Do you know where Robbie is?"

James Potter shook his head, attempting to discern what the hell had just happened. "I saw him with Elisabeth Walker earlier, not sure where they went off to though."

Lily shut her eyes in pain. So this was how it felt to be used, dumped and chucked into the rubbish bin. Her knees felt weak and she let herself collapse on the wet ground, breathing hard.

"Bloody hell Lily, what in fuck's sake is wrong?" James' eyes glittered with alarm, and he quickly scooted closer to her, encircling her shoulders with a tentative arm.

"That bastard. He's fucking cheating on me!" Lily screamed softly, letting herself lean on James for support. He smelt delicious, like warm, just right cocoa on a cold day with thick undertones of cinnamon. His musky scent wafted up her nose and Lily shuddered, more from pleasure then fear.

James stroked her head softly, running a familiar hand through her damp curls. She froze. What was going on? Lily struggled sluggishly to pull herself from this trance, but it was like wading through thick molasses. She felt his hand caress her cheek, his moist warmth invading her cool skin.

But it felt nice.

It felt really, really nice. It didn't feel wrong when he tilted her chin up, or when her eyelids fluttered to a close. She liked this feeling. She could smell his minty breath against her lips, yet she didn't feel his lips. She wanted to.

Suddenly, he pushed away from her, his hazel eyes wide. Lily strained to wake up, but found that every sense felt as if it were already doused in cold water. Rejection shot through her veins like a drug, waking every nerve and sending a flush of heat to her face.

"Oh fuck," James swore under his breath, struggling to a stand. His eyes were still on her face, still wearing this amazing look in them.

"I-I've got to go," He muttered before bolting off, running in the direction of the castle, his broom slapping against his lower thighs. It felt like the rain poured at an all-time high as he disappeared from Lily's view.

And she sat there, utterly confused, hopeless and in love with James Potter all over again.

.x.

"Mmm…Shh…" Lily moaned from underneath her bulky, fluffy covers. The bright sunlight assaulted her, and she swatted at the invisible beams feebly. She felt horrible.

Elladora on the other hand, looked quite bright and vivacious from her place on her bed, sitting cross-legged and watching Lily try to yank her bed curtains around her bed, but failing to do so miserably. In her pleated black kilt, white buttoned-up blouse, scarlet and bullion striped tie and black robe she looked very different from her usual chaotic style. Elladora yanked a brush through her dishevelled hair a few half-hearted times before she gave up and returned her attention to Lily.

"When'd you come back inside?" She asked, expecting an answer.

"Dunno," was her response from the lump beneath the feathery comforter.

Elladora rolled her eyes, sticking her tongue out at her friend, even though she couldn't see it. "Fine, I'm going to class though, McGonagall will lynch me if I'm late again. Should I say you're sick?"

An affirmative nod came from the small red blob that peeked out from under the covers. "Could you bring me some Pepper-Up Potion too?" Lily's voice sounded throaty and abrasive, like fingernails being raked against a blackboard repeatedly.

"Sure." Elladora grabbed her bag from underneath a pile of clothing, and was about to leave, when she chucked a bag of chocolate frogs at the bed. "Have fun."

"Thanks Elly."

Elladora didn't even bother to correct her.

.x.

Lily rolled around, feeling as if death sounded like a very tempting offer at the moment. She nibbled on the remains of a mutated chocolate frog quietly, watching the clock hand move lethargically around in a circle. And, to top it all off, she was horribly bored.

She had practiced throwing things across the room and trying to get them into Elladora's clothing trunk, which lay open in a jumbled mess, but found she had really did not have good aim. She had slept. A lot. If there were anything else she could do, she had probably finished it hours ago.

Suddenly, Lily grinned as the door swung open, and a lanky figure walked in, balancing a tray of food in one hand and clutching a flask of a purple, bubbling liquid in the other.

"Finally Elly, I was worried that you got lost somewhere," Lily said, relieved that she wouldn't be all alone. She popped her head out from beneath the blanket, and tried to distinguish her friend better. The lighting was horrible in this place.

"Elly? Wow, Guffy must like you a lot. The last time I called her Dora, she beat me into a bloody pulp. Vicious thing when threatened, she is." A husky, masculine voice issued from the figure, and Lily felt a sinking feeling in her stomach.

That _bloody_ traitor.

"Potter? How the hell did you get up here?" Lily grumbled, trying her hand at burying her face in her pillow. Maybe then she wouldn't have to face him.

"Good job, Evans. You finally caught on." James said dryly, seating himself onto her bed, right alongside her feet. Her feet had never felt that special. "Secret passageway, nothing you need to trouble yourself about."

Lily glared at him, but decided to keep her mouth shut. She realized dimly that she was practically naked under her gauzy nightgown, and her cheeks flushed a deep red when accidentally rested his hand on her thigh.

"Sorry 'bout that," James murmured, smiling softly.

He passed her a slice of toast soaked liberally in honey, and Lily gave it a shifty, suspicious look before accepting it. For him, he grabbed a plate with what appeared to be mashed potatoes, roast beef and a small array of salad arranged on it, and nibbled on it quietly.

Lily just had to talk before it got too awkward. "Why are you here? Being nice, I mean." She shot him a distrustful look, before taking a sip of her goblet of raspberry tea.

He shrugged. "Is it wrong to be nice to you?"

"Well…not really."

"Exactly." He finished his plate quickly after proclaiming that, and swept his dish and utensils onto the second tray, before standing up, about to leave.

"Wait!" Lily had no idea what to say, but for some reason, she wanted to say something.

James turned around to meet her stare, a curious expression in his eyes. "Yeah?"

"Thanks."

And he left, a smile on his face.

.x.

Gosh. Lily hated that bloody girl. Advanced Potions were coming to an end, so most of the potions were in their final stations (Except for some poor Hufflepuff's, whose cauldron was on the verge of exploding), or completed, resulting in many a student milling around, waiting for their comrades to finish with their work. Lily, herself, was stirring her bubbling potion meticulously, but she still couldn't keep herself the perfectly calm that was needed for complex potion-making.

But, of course, that was not entirely her fault. Two seats before her, with a head of bouncy flaxen hair and not much else and a buxom, lean body that promised men their wildest dreams, Elisabeth Walker was attempting to sooth her handsome, dark-haired boyfriend.

The tall, broad-shouldered boy appeared to be arguing with the outgoing Ravenclaw, who was in turn, giving him annoyed, defiant looks. She kept glancing down the row at Robert, who was trying to calm his fizzing cauldron.

Lily nervously plaited a small braid into her hair as she watched the entire thing unfold. Finally, the boy (She was sure he was a Beater on the Ravenclaw team), stomped away, not bothering to finish his potion, and ignoring the professor's furious screeching. Walker, meanwhile, has seductively trailed over to Robert, and wrapped her arms around his neck, and whispered something in his ear.

Lily had never seen her boyfriend move so swiftly.

He quickly untangled himself from Elisabeth's slender arms, shooting her a disgruntled glare, which quite obviously screamed of hidden secrets and futility. Then, he turned to see how much Lily had seen.

Lily looked away, trying to sooth her flailing mind. Inside, the only thing she could hear, feel was the rushing of fury inside of her head. She had eaten up his lies, believed his innocent, handsome pleas, while he meandered around with some ditzy blonde.

Oh, Merlin, now she was even trying to drown herself in teenage self-pity. Her, of all people. Pig-headed Lily Evans, who was one of the strongest, sharpest in Hogwarts, had been fooled by a two-bit idiot with nice hair.

So she turned to look him right in the eye, trying to calm her racing heart and smother rapidly appearing tears, and smiled.

Oh, what she would pay to see his face look like _that_ again.

.x.

"James Potter had poet-eyes." Elladora said, her eyes staring off into the distance as she proclaimed that fact.

Lily shuddered. "Poet-eyed? How weird can you get, Elly?"

Elladora looked at Lily with an annoyed look in her eyes. "It's the way he talks, as if every word was a verse in the grand scheme of a poem. He has those gorgeous, long-lashed eyes of a dreamer."

Lily rolled her eyes, but inwardly she agreed with her friend. James Potter was poet-eyed; those golden-brown, caramel brown eyes that promised so much, and gave even more were poetic.

"Whatever Elly." Lily sighed, falling back onto her bed, her long red hair fanning behind her. She looked up at the canopy of her grand bed, her eyes glazing over at the prospect of James.

It was strange, really, how no matter how much she tried to wipe him away, push him into the depths of her mind, he always came back, he always resurfaced. It was if she were cursed for eternity, cursed to always see those warm eyes and dazzling smiles and lust after them, even though she knew it was wrong. Because she did know it was wrong. It wasn't meant to be like that, wasn't meant to be always so frustrating and confusing.

Elly would say she were in love. That's what Elly always said. No matter how her best friend attempted to appear cold and aloof, the clumsy giantess of a girl was, and always would be, a dreamy-eyed romantic. Lily sometimes wished she could be like her friend, so carefree and wild, with an inane passion for everything she did.

But, instead, Lily was logical and vigilant. Everything in her life had to make sense, had to fit somewhere in the master plan of her life. Sometimes, she was hesitant to admit, she did dream of love and crazy dares, insanity and dancing barefoot in the rain. But _nowhere_ as much as she wanted to.

Right now, all she wanted to happen was to kiss James Potter, to bury herself in his indulgent nature and gorgeous smiles. She wanted to dance with him in the rain at two in the morning, barefoot and laughing madly. At this second in time, all she wanted to do was be with him. Somehow, she just _knew_ that he would take care of the rest.

Now all she had to do was act on that want.

.x.

Elladora was right. James Potter was definitely poet-eyed. Lily watched him silently, her legs swinging mindlessly with the wind as a shiver ran down her back. It was bloody cold that day, but apparently that wouldn't stop the Gryffindor Quidditch team.

The players, all clothed in red sweaters and tight Quidditch trousers, were zooming about in the chilly morning air, fast blurs chasing each other around. In the hub of all the chaos, James could be seen, his dark hair being ruffled by the wind's cold caress. He stole the Quaffle from a copper-haired girl, whose bright indigo eyes betrayed her surprise at his sudden appearance, before catching up to him. Grudgingly, Lily had to admit he was amazing on a broom, flying at speeds she knew she could never accomplish, even if she had overcome her phobia of heights, and using instincts a hawk would envy.

Sitting there, bundled up in the biggest sweater she possessed, a bobble-topped rainbow hat and knobbly gloves that her mum had knitted her last Christmas; Lily was rather unremarkable and lumpy-looking. Burying herself deeper in the navy sweater she had borrowed from her father and never returned, Lily watched James almost commit suicide with wide eyes, her breath caught in her throat.

He merely raised himself effortlessly from the steep dive and continued the game, grinning impishly at the shocked faces of his team-mates. Bloody wanker, Lily swore silently, glowering at him for scaring her to such extents. She was angry at herself as well for caring so much, but she had the oddest thought that maybe she should care about him more. It was rather exhilarating.

From the corner of her teary eyes, Lily noticed a lean girl with the longest hair she had ever seen seat herself gracefully near the redhead, calmly watching the game. Instantly, Lily felt self-consciousness fog up her mind and she looked down at her lap, uncomfortably shifting in her seat.

The girl was amazingly beautiful, her long limbs much alike to Elladora's, yet they were more toned and muscular, less bony and gangly. Her face was classically built, Lily noted, her cheekbones were high and defined, her skin flawless and tanned, and her nose tiny and pert. Her lips were cupid-bowed and full, a reddish-orange gloss smeared over them. Her electric-black hair formed a puddle behind her, the silky, abnormally straight locks reaching to below her curved bottom.

Lily looked away when the girl noticed her ogling, blushing from both embarrassment and the cold. But, silently, she was amazed. All the girl was wearing was a soft cashmere cerulean v-necked sweater and tan slacks. Nothing else.

The girl crossed her legs and grinned at Lily, flashing a slight glance of her glowing white teeth. "Hello, there. My name is Kali Negrescu."

Silently, Lily sounded that out in her head. "Hi, I'm Lily Evans."

Kali nodded, her hooded eyes sending shivers down Lily's spine. They were the darkest colour of black she had ever seen, and were only rivalled by Kali's hair.

Lily attempted to spark a conversation, curious about the dark beauty. "Negrescu? That's an interesting surname, where're you from?"

Kali grinned frostily. "Romania, I was born there. I am a Ravenclaw, sixth year. You may know me as a Prefect. Perhaps you have heard of my distant cousin, Severus Snape, he is in Slytherin?"

"Yeah. He's brilliant at Potions; he's my partner in that class." Lily didn't mention that the professor had paired her with the sour-faced boy, and she otherwise wouldn't have touched him with a ten-foot pole.

"I have heard of my cousin's talents with a cauldron. Who is that boy?" Kali pointed at the swarm of Gryffindors, who were still practicing viciously.

Lily squinted up into the clouds, and felt a sinking feeling in her stomach as she realized the one Kali was pointing at was James, who was laughing rowdily and trying light the end of Sirius's broom on fire. "Erm, he's Potter. James Potter. Quidditch Captain."

A spark was discovered in Kali's eyes as she observed James through critical eyes, until she deemed him fit. "He is very attractive. I would much enjoy meeting him."

Lily froze. Glumly, she heard herself offer to introduce the two. This was it. The end was near. James would never, in a million years, look her way with Kali around. Beautiful Kali with her perfect eloquence and intense eyes was someone Lily wished she could be with all her heart, but she knew that was not her.

She chuckled nervously, running a cold hand through her tangled curls. "I'm not sure he's very fond of me though, I'm not the best person to introduce the two of you."

"Nonsense," Kali chuckled, her face lighting up in humour, "I am sure the both of you are close confidants."

Lily wanted so desperately to scream in her lovely, striking face. Was this girl honestly blind to all emotions and feelings? Was Lily that good at hiding her feelings, or was Kali simply ignoring the details?

"Not quite." Lily murmured, ducking her head down, so that the only thing she could see was the rough material of her trousers.

She felt blinded by this goddess-like creature. Everything about Kali glowed like a white, shining beacon in the darkness. What she would do to be like her…

"Hey! Lily!"

Lily looked up, eyes wide.

A dark-haired girl with faded blue eyes was hovering before her, smiling. Lily noted nonchalantly that the (Most likely third-year) girl was missing quite a few of her teeth, ruining an otherwise effective smile.

"Yes…?"

The girl rolled her circular, bulging eyes. "James Potter-," A dreamy sigh was inserted here, "-wants to talk to you, outside the changing rooms."

"Erm, thanks, I think?" Lily slowly stood up, wincing as her bones creaked.

"No problem." The girl flew off, her long brunette tresses trailing behind her. She had comforting eyes, the sort that weren't too passionate, yet not too watery and washed out.

"Not friends?" Kali mocked, a dark, arched brow raised perfectly, making Lily very jealous of her ability to manoeuvre her eyebrows successfully.

Lily shrugged. "Well, we do talk. He probably just wants to copy my Charms homework though, so don't get your hopes up."

Kali laughed. Gosh, even her laugh was perfect. It was soft and twinkling, her eyes glimmered with humour as she did so. "May I join you?"

Lily fidgeted with her coat zipper. "Erm, yeah, sure, I guess." What she really wanted so say was, '_NO_! _He. Is. Mine. Back off, or I swear you'll wake up one morning with all your hair sheared off, a thick lathering of pimples marring that flawless complexion and a sudden lose of that exquisite voice.'_

But, somehow, Lily felt that sentimental thought was better left alone. She laced her shoelaces slowly, tugging them to make sure they were tight, while she waited for Kali to straighten her spotless clothing out. She counted to ten steadily before she brushed past her, not waiting for the girl. Kali quickly caught up though, her long legs diminishing the distance between the two promptly. She looked remarkably flawless and serene in the frosty weather, not even shivering slightly.

Lily quickened her pace, trying to outrace her companion. She felt jealousy swell inside of her, and she responded to the call eagerly. Kali quickly caught up, sending Lily an odd look. By the time the two had reached the bottom of the stairs, Lily was flat-out running. The sight was actually quite amusing, the small red-haired girl who was dressed in bulky clothing waddling away from the much taller beauty, who wore a puzzled expression on her face.

Lily quickly stripped off her coat as she ran smack into the changing room door. Without pausing to consider why James wasn't perhaps waiting outside for her, she burst inside the smoggy, humid room, trying to catch her breath.

Inside, the entire male population of the Gryffindor Quidditch team looked up, boggling at the knobbly little red topped bundle that had appeared out of nowhere. Instantly following her abrupt entrance, Lily remembered exactly why girls weren't allowed in this specific place. But she didn't particularly care, nor bother to correct her mistake.

James Potter wearing nothing but a towel usually did that to a woman.

-x-

_You. People. Are. Insane. That many bloody reviews!_

_Meh, I'm not very in love with the ending, but that'll have to do. I had to update, especially after I realized how many people took the time to review. Even though I have a load of Geography homework staring at me evilly from my desk corner._

_For updates on the story fort, look me up on livejournal. I've finally gotten one! I'll post my_ review responses_ there, not to mention explanations and such. It's **msdelonge**, for those curious parties. Review responses will be posted up there later today. _Hopefully.

Hugs,

Ria.

**Loved it? Hate it? Review!**


	3. An Echo

**Kiss**

**Chapter III- Silly, Stupid Love Songs (An Echo)**

_I don't know how to do this. How do you go up to a guy and ask him for a kiss? Me, especially. I'm one of those wallflower weirdoes whose first kiss was by some screwball in a dusty bookstore, whose last girlfriend didn't exist. I mean, how pathetic can I get? But James… he can change things. I'm not expecting him to waltz in and sweep me off my feet, with a rose hanging from his mouth like some sweet-smelling cigarette, dressed in some diaphanous, gauzy white blouse. No, Quidditch-playing, Snape-pranking, maddening, James Potter with an amazingly sexy body will be fine. _

_But, I can't help it. I want romance. I want white steeds and grand castles. I want the musicals, the silly, stupid love songs, the doves, the red roses, the whole flowery, frilly mess. Analytical, commonsensical Lily just leaped out the Astronomy Tower window, leaving this starry-eyed oddity in her place. _

_If this goes on, I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake, just to be different. _

The three Gryffindor students were sprawled on the sweet-smelling grass, talking among themselves in soft voices and occasionally tossing the other a sweet. The sun cast them in a shadow as it slowly set, the sky exploding into bright colours of orange and pink while marshmallow clouds floated in the menagerie of colours.

"Lily, could you please explain to James, for the final time, that I am _not_ going to fall in love with Sirius Black, of all people."

The voice issued from the gangly girl on the left, who was tossing Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans up in the air and attempting to catch them in her mouth, but failing by large distances.

The redhead, who was trying to wrestle a chocolate frog from the messy-haired boy in the center, fell back. She unsuccessfully muffled her giggles of glee in her jumper. "_Black_? James, have you finally gone daft?"

The messy-haired boy had the decency to look embarrassed. "What? It was a good point to make at the time!"

"Right…" Lily drawled, snatching her chocolate frog back. She shifted uncomfortably in her deformed orange jumper, which clashed horribly with her vibrant hair. Not that Lily cared much.

Things were still awkward between the two, but Elladora had patched them up, though clumsily. Sometimes, Lily could see that amazed look in James' eyes reappear, especially after she did something, usually a bit on the extraordinary side. Which she didn't do much often, mind you.

James' arm sneaked around shoulders, but she quickly rolled away before he could cop a feel.

"Hey!" James exclaimed, mockingly glaring at her, "You've seen me in nothing but a towel, and I don't even get a snog? What's the world coming to?"

Oh hell, he really didn't need to remind Lily of that.

She felt heat rush to her face as Lily remembered very clearly how delicious he looked in the aforementioned towel, which had been soaking wet, if she remembered correctly. Not to mention how every muscle was firm and defined, and how there was that tiny water bead that had trailed its way down his chest and under the thin scrappy towel, and how she had wanted so desperately to be that droplet at that moment. Then the catcalls began. Sirius Black, if she recalled exactly, was the one who started that.

Finally, Lily tore her mind away from James' body, and instead gave him the evil eye, which resulted in James sticking his tongue out at her. Elladora, during the while, was stealing Lily's hoard of peanut butter flavoured beans piece by piece, much to Lily's chagrin. Still exchanging bizarre facial expressions with James, Lily sent Elladora an annoyed look.

"Will you please stop taking my beans? Took me a bloody month to collect them all."

Elladora rolled her eyes, but discontinued her pilfering. Instead, she plucked a pumpkin pastry from the Honydukes bag that lay next to her and unwrapped it happily, already forgetting about the oddly coloured beans.

Indeed, the three were quite happy that evening. With the fading dusk warming them enough to keep them there, their stomachs full of sweets and the warm certainty of friendship engulfing them in its solid embrace.

Suddenly, a blast of noise was heard from beyond their sight, and four handsome figures clomped over to the resting trio, shattering their peaceful environment.

Sirius Black, as always, led the pack, grinning crazily as he seated himself beside Elladora, stealing her half-eaten pumpkin pastry, much to Elladora's dismay. Peter Pettigrew was quick to follow, his fine blond hair gleaming in the fading sunrays, lifeless eyes glimmering with cheerfulness. He plopped himself down beside the reclining James. Trailing after the energetic two, Remus and Kali followed, both pictures of poised splendour.

Lily noted with a shrewd eye that Kali once again was dressed in the bare minimum, a short black skirt and an elegant off-white chemise, but this time goosebumps freckled her bare legs. Her long glossy hair was neatly spun into a French plait, held together with a tasteful pearl drop tassel.

To her left, James was attempting to sooth an aggravated Elladora, who kept trying to keep Sirius' hands away from her bare legs. The pale-eyed youth was determined though, and persisted in trying to fondle any part of Elladora's body that he could get his paws on. Finally, Lily snapped, and slapped his hands away from Elladora furiously.

"Oh, for Merlin's sake, will you leave her alone? What in God's sake is wrong with that head of yours? What's with this sudden interest?" She muttered as she scooted between the feuding two, exchanging an exasperated look with Remus, who was watching the argument with a tinge of amusement dancing in his amber eyes.

Sirius instantly paled, and looked over to Peter, apparently looking for something in the boy's fleshy face. Finally, he replied tentatively, "Nothing Evans, why'd you think that?"

"Well, _maybe_ because you won't bloody stop clawing at me?" Elladora responded, dusting grass off of her skirt. Her face was a bit red and her eyes glimmered with irritation.

"But I thought you _liked_ me clawing at you?" Sirius exclaimed, eyes wide with surprise. He made a small claw figure with his hand and pawed at her tenderly.

Elladora hit him across the head for that gesture. Beside her, Kali tittered softly. Lily shook her head in amusement and turned her attention to James and Remus, who were talking about… _her_?

"-Well, she's quite lovely and all, Remus, but I'm not all that fond of her. She's got that bizarre voice, not to mention her eye twitch."

"James, stop being a wanker. She's wonderful, and that red hair! You _love_ red hair! Plus that set of knockers, you can't lose, mate."

"But _I_ think I'll just wait around for the real one to come around. How'd you find out about me fancying her in the first place?"

"You hide your diary in the most obvious places."

"It's a _journal_!"

"Whatever you say, James, whatever you say. Oh, hello Lily, where'd you come from?" A wicked grin accompanied this response.

James jumped, quickly spinning around in his spot to look at Lily with a wide-eyed, '_Oh-hell-no_' look in his eyes. "How much did you hear?"

Lily wrinkled her nose, still trying to digest what the two had been conversing about. "The eye spasm thing. What was that all about in the first place?"

"Nothing." James quickly replied, his face heating up. Lily cocked her head, trying to suss out his bluff.

Really, couldn't he at least try to appear innocent? Instead, James' left eye was twitching, his posture was stiff and his face was nearing the shade of her hair.

.x.

"Well, if you weren't around, and you were with Elisabeth Walker, what do you _expect_ me to think?" Lily cried shrilly, turning away from Robert's pleading face.

"Nothing happened," Robert replied sharply, his eyes glittering angrily.

"And how am I supposed to believe that?" Lily said quietly, her chin jutted stubbornly and her eyes furious.

She knew that he had shagged her. Everything in her head, heart and soul persisted with it. Why else would there be a faint red mark on his neck, why else would that minx smile at Lily knowingly every time she passed her in the hall?

How could it have turned out like this? They were supposed to be in love, supposed to be right for each other, compatible. Now, all this screaming and tears occupy everything, how is it supposed to be? Is it really going to end like this?

It shouldn't be like this.

"You just have to Lily, there's nothing else you can do." Robert said. His blue eyes were cold and intimidating. He was scaring her, daring her to leave him, to walk away.

Lily froze. Where would she go without Robert? He was everything, her boyfriend, her reputation. If this shattered, there would be nothing left for her to turn to, to cry with when the end of the world would come.

Then she remembered James. James Potter, who walked around as if he were the answer to the world's prayer for a saviour. That cocky, dark-haired youth with a wicked gleam in his dizzy eyes and that silky, smooth voice that could charm the most stubborn woman. Somewhere, somehow, Lily could see herself with him; she could feel his warm, firm arms around her waist and his breath on her neck.

And that gave her the courage, the spite, to give Robert the answer she had waited years to speak. "You're right Robbie," she said silkily, no longer nervous, relishing this moment of power. "I do have only one option left."

Robert grinned wolfishly. "You've finally come to your senses, my dearest."

Lily returned his grin, her eyes gleaming with assurance. "And that's why I have to tell you. I'm sorry, but this is your official notice, _you've been dumped_."

And the redheaded girl left the room, a satisfied smirk on her face.

.x.

"_Excuse_ me?" Lily said, outraged at her friend's suggestion.

Elladora grinned in response.

"No. No way in bloody hell am I going to dress as a wench, not for James Potter, not for anyone," Lily maintained, her cheeks flushed.

Lily still couldn't understand Elladora's strange reasoning. Apparently, since James' eighteenth birthday was rapidly approaching, her friend had decided the perfect party she could throw would include Lily Evans dressed as a wench, hopping out of a birthday cake.

Lily reminded herself to never let her friend watch muggle late-night movies again.

Lily shook her head, before Elladora could even open her mouth. "I said no, don't even try guilt-tripping me into it."

"Well, then how else am I supposed to get you to do it?" Elladora insisted, throwing a velvety scarlet throw-pillow at her. Lily ducked, but was still brushed by the red fleece that flew past her head.

The two seventh-years were sitting cross-legged, across from each other on the common room floor, attempting to argue the other out of the current conversation.

On closer observation, you would notice those little details, how their smiles were nearly identical, how they both clutched a malleable cushion to their chest in nearly indistinguishable ways. But most importantly, how they seemed to understand each other, tune into the other's wavelength. It was impossibly easy to identify the two as the closest friends.

"By leaving me the hell alone," Lily laughed, as she struggled to pin up her long, tightly curled hair with two quills, but not quite managing. She wrinkled her face from the effort, her small, slightly up-turned nose looking quite comical. Apparently, Elladora thought that as well.

The messy-haired girl was writing something on her lap, words appearing so quickly on the white parchment that it seemed to be appearing by magic. This wouldn't be all that unusual or shocking, at all, especially at such a magical place such as Hogwarts. At last, her precariously balanced ink pot tumbled down her knee, and spilled magenta ink all over her patched, raggedy jeans.

Exchanging a few curses that would make a sailor blush with the ink pot, Elladora quickly waved her wand over the mess, whispering a few choice words. The mess quickly vanished, only leaving a faint spill-mark where once permanent ink was.

"Gah, Lils, could you take a swipe at my denims? I'm completely useless at Charms." Elladora pleaded with her friend, who was immersed in a copy of some ancient-looking book.

Lily looked up, annoyed with the interruption, but gave a swish with her long, elegant wand at the faded fabric, which now, after a few seconds, appeared perfectly new. Elladora smiled toothily, before collapsing back into a pile of padded, enormous pillows, bored with the proceedings.

"I'm bored." She declared, watching a good-looking, pale-haired fifth-year ward away a much taller boy by charming her ink blotter to chase after him.

Lily rolled her eyes, popping a lemon drop from the tin box she had received from Dumbledore as a present for becoming Head Girl. "No, you're repetitive and stating the obvious."

Elladora thought for a moment at that response. "I'm bored."

Lily had come up with a very clever response to this, but was much too bored to speak it. Instead, she forcefully shut the overfilled canister, glaring evilly at the contents. The barmy old codger had gotten her addicted to lemon drops.

"Lily?"

"Yes, Elladora?"

"Will you dress up as a wench for James' birthday?"

A sharp blow to her head with a cushion was her reply. Laughter soon washed away the unwise questions.

.x.

Sometimes she hated herself for being like this. No matter how hard she tried, Lily could never be perfectly happy about herself, it seemed as if it were some sort of curse, some demon's ill-fated wish.

Everything about her was wrong. From that thick, mushroom-cloud of reds, oranges and copper highlights that liked to call itself her hair, to her short, plundering legs. The bathroom mirror was foggy from her time-consuming, self-indulgent shower, yet Lily could clearly see every flaw, imperfection as if it were as clear as day itself.

Her mother used to call her beautiful. So did her father, come to think of it. She could remember coming home fifth-year, being the new host of broader hips, lush, suddenly developed breasts and all of her skinny fourteen-year old self suddenly went missing. She was at the peak of her hormonal emotions, so it was without a doubt she would constantly spend her summer evening sitting on the porch, sipping pink lemonade in cut-off shorts and watching boys her age, and many older, walk with their friends past her, laughing in all their pimply awkwardness.

It was the first time in her life that she started caring about how she looked.

Before long, all that confidence she had built up during the last years crumbled, leaving her a timid, bashful young girl. Suddenly, she noticed how hard it was to brush her hair without putting up a struggle, and how her clothing didn't fit her anymore like it used to. She started hating going clothing shopping, because of the new upped up sizes.

Gosh, how far away that seemed to be. Yet, still, the same insecurities remained; the same doubt overshadowed her brilliance. But her mother called her beautiful once. When that gorgeous, three blocks away, Simon Brown teased her about her bright red hair, calling her a strawberry-topped snitch, because she had ratted out on them for beating up some small eleven-year old.

She had been your typical pile of snuffling teenage angst. All curled up in her pale-blue comforter, clutching her stuffed elephant, red hair all over the place, was the way her mother had found her.

Her pretty, quiet mother who could make the best chocolate chip cookies Lily had ever eaten. Her mother, with soft, wavy red hair that never, ever misbehaved, and her soft hazel eyes that seemed to smile at you without a care about who you were, was one of the most elegant people Lily had ever seen. She had cuddled Lily, telling her that she had been called 'thunder-thighs' when she was her age, that her hair had been always lank and greasy and that all the boys thought she was a lonely wallflower, because she didn't have any friends.

Her mother knew how to comfort teenage girls who thought the world was over because of some bloke. Somehow, that helped.

Today, her mother wasn't around anymore, cancer had claimed her life far too quickly, but those words seemed to echo inside of Lily's mind.

Suddenly, her disproportioned body didn't look so bad. Her soft, flabby stomach was just another unique blemish and her hair seemed exceptional and beautiful. All those good qualities were just that, good qualities. Nothing worth obsessing, nothing worth adoring.

Wrapping a white, fluffy towel around her body firmly, Lily walked out of the steamy bath, smiling contentedly, yet knowing that tomorrow the same worthless self-pity would occur.

But that didn't seem to faze her either, at the moment. At the moment, she was at the peak of her life, and nothing was going to stop her from seizing the apple of her eye.

James Potter would never know what was coming.

.x.

It felt as if the world was crumbling, deteriorating before her eyes.

She had exited her dorm room with a sense of triumph in her self, thinking that she would, could confront James today, and tell him how she felt. Okay, she would never gather the courage to tell him, but maybe her lips could explain enough for him to catch on.

She had even prepared herself for victory. She had tamed her hair (With multiple bottles of Sleakeasy's Hair Potion), into soft, rolling waves, applied more than her usual dabs of makeup and had worn a miniskirt that actually made her legs and hips look attractive. She had worn a v-necked shirt with more than a hint of cleavage, something that she never worn in her life. It had been as present from Elladora, in an attempt to help loosen her friend up. It had finally worked.

She had even worn a necklace, of all things! But, then, all her hopes had been shot down so quickly that it was almost nearing pathetic. Two dark-haired, very handsome teenagers were standing in the corridor, nervously shuffling with their feet, and blushing like mad.

The female, a familiar, long-haired waif-like girl, was barely dressed. A skimpy, seductive red gown was hugging every curve of her bronzed, toned body. The straps that would normally be holding it up were sliding off of her narrow shoulders. James, as well, looked very sexy, yet he looked quite like he usually did, in tight stonewash jeans and a loose sweater.

She neared the couple, straining to overhear their conversation. Curiosity kicked in at the most annoying of times. Finally, the whisper of James' deep, baritone voice sifted through the empty corridor and into her hearing range.

"Look, Kali, I just don't-"

"-It is alright, I should not have come onto you like that. I am such a…Argh!"

Soothing. "No, it's fine, really. I was a bit harsh on you."

"Look, I am truly remorseful. Would you still consider my previous proposition, though? It would be a terribly lonely Hogsmeade visit without a companion."

Nervous. "Um, well, sure, I guess. I don't have anyone else to go with…" It was most obviously a lie, yet Kali decided to ignore that.

Lily only had to take one look at her foolish getup to see where she went wrong. Leaving Robert, befriending Kali, believing she could win James, all were idiotic mistakes. All of them were her mistakes.

Sadly, Lily walked away, not noticing how her footsteps echoed in the forlorn vestibule, not noticing how loud an echo can be.

Two dark-haired teenagers turned to face the noise, and both surveyed with scrutiny the small, sweet-faced redhead wander away. The male made a motion, as if he were going to go help her, but the girl quickly caught his wrist and shook her head sharply.

And, so they watched her walk away.

But both failed to notice the tears of a believed loss.

.x.

_This chapter had barely any L/J interaction, but once the two overcome the awkwardness that is plaguing them, I promise there will be _much more_ fluff (And snogging), and much less teenage insecurity and torment, later on._

_I'm just sick of all the _'I'm-so-bloody-perfect'_ Lily. I'm quite sure that _doesn't_ describe me, or any other teenager I would know. Her insecurities, physical and psychological, will play a big part in this fic, if you haven't noticed yet._

_Oh, and about Kali. She's a very brief, passing character, who I'm just using for my own evil purposes. She's everything Lily _wants_ to be; eloquent, drop-dead gorgeous and confident with her actions. Much unlike our clumsy tongue-tied Head Girl._

_But, alas, it is a Lily/James. _

_Who would've thought?_

_Snuggles and Hugs,_

_Ria._

**Well, you know what to do for an early update, don't you?**


	4. Enigmatic Redheads

**Disclaimer: **See first chapter.

You people have such little confidence in me!

**Kiss**

**Chapter IIII- Enigmatic Redheads**

_Oh, Gods above, I think I actually, truly love him. Not in that adolescent, love-struck teenage way, where tiny choirs of angels sing in your ears and the sun never seems to set. No, somehow, it seems so much more heartbreaking and mature, where he smiles softly, and I return it, dreading to speak to him and let him realize how imperfect I really am. It feels like there's something between the two of us, something solid and warm, and unbelievably real._

_The only problem is how to believe that it could happen. After Robert and I broke up, after years and years of friendship and love, could I really just let myself tumble over myself for James? We had been enemies for so long, until Elladora befriended him after a short tryst, after he gave me that childish, stupid utterly adorable present, last Valentines day, when Robert and I had a fight._

_Oh Gosh, why was everything so hard to understand?_

It was the first sunny day in weeks. The sheets of snow and rain, cold, frosty weather and overcast, gloomy days had been stolen away to be replaced with sunlit, yet still cold spring daytimes. Many a Hogwarts student meandered around outside, laughing gaily and playing childish games, or lounging around on the soft grass, soaking up the sun's golden rays.

Lily Evans was not one of those students. Instead, the shockingly red-haired girl had seated herself firmly in the library, her bright hair pulled up strictly, away from her face and towers of dusty books surrounding her study area. Impossibly green eyes scanned her parchment, carefully rechecking her spelling and grammar for the faintest mistake.

She had always been a perfectionist.

Silently, she sneaked a quick look out the stain glass window near her seat, before she guiltily turned back to her assignment, blushing fiercely, even though there was not a living soul near her to see this irregular act. For once in her seventeen years, Lily Evans couldn't focus on her work.

She hadn't the foggiest idea why, of course, even though a nagging thought kept crossing her mind. It was better to ignore troublesome thoughts, then to admit to them and cause a revolution. Not that her opinion, much less her consideration, mattered greatly, though.

Idly, she noticed that her lilac nail polish was chipped in several places quite badly, to points where it was practically gone. She would have to repaint her nails today. Maybe she could nab Elladora's new peach one…

Shaking away any residual, lingering indolent thoughts, Lily dipped her snowy owl feather quill into her inkwell, stirring it in the thick liquid for a few brief moments, before slipping it out and continuing with her essay.

An hour passed, wasted with a difficult Transfiguration article that she still didn't understand the slightest. Long, tedious notes decorated sheets upon sheets of parchment, yet they seemed to have been copied right from multiple textbooks, their meaningful knowledge not being absorbed by the reader.

Finally, Lily signed her name with a flourish at the top of the first sheet, taking some extra time to dot her i's with little stars. She felt horribly flushed, and her sweater was plastered to her upper body, smelling like sweat and perfume merged together into a poisonous stench. A curly strand of her hair was stuck down the side of her face, along her delicate jaw line.

She felt sick.

Oh, fuck that all. She sighed unhappily, quickly shoving all her things into her bag, not bothering for any sort of order, and stood up suddenly, knocking over the heavy chair with her sudden movement. The sound of wood against wood made a sharp resound in the room, and Lily could already hear the shuffling steps of the librarian coming to investigate the crash.

She really didn't want to deal with it. Ignoring the fact that normally she would clean up the mess and apologize profusely to the kindly librarian, Lily quickly darted out the side entrance, eager to get outside and away from the thick, sweltering heat that encased the library.

It took her a while to realize she was probably the only person inside on such a lovely day. Alone, like this, was dangerous for people like her. It left them alone with their thoughts, without anything or anyone to draw attention from her and help her ward away the vexing feelings.

They were the kind of thoughts that occupied your every brain cell, taking over your train of thought, twisting your sense of right and wrong, making you into something that you never wanted to be.

And now it felt as if they were going to suffocate her.

Everything that she wanted to do, wanted to say were going to engulf her, compressing her into this small space where air was difficult to come by. Lily wanted so urgently, so wholly to act like nothing was going on inside of her, as if she really wasn't experiencing emotional turmoil, but it felt as if that feat was impossible.

James Potter was going to kill her. She felt so pathetic, as if she was a slobbering puppy, an absentminded fool, watching the hero and heroine get whisked away into some whirlwind romance, leaving her behind to watch, to envision, yet never experience.

And she had to settle with being the dreamer, the wish-upon-a-star aspirant, the best friend, the confidant. Robert had offered her a second chance, a third, and she pushed him away, convinced that James loved her, that he had to. Wasn't that how all fairy-tales were?

She was outside now, the cool air meeting her hot face. She continued storming towards where anyone was, someone was. She needed to talk, she needed to vent to that someone, rant about how her heart felt as if it were being torn out. She stumbled over some kid's book, his angry shout following her sure stride, ignoring anything and everything.

She was going somewhere.

Now all she had to do was figure out was where.

.x.

Lily wasn't sure how it had happened. But, all of a sudden, she had found herself face-first, buried in the grass, her hair strewn all over the place and James Potter's stomach underneath hers, solid and warm. It was quite the experience. Apparently, he thought so as well.

"Merlin, Lily, can't get anymore clumsier, can you?" He snickered, yet not in an unfriendly, malicious manner, but more in an adoring, teasing way.

Still, she felt incredibly embarrassed. She had tripped over a small, jagged rock, of all things.

"Oh, shut it, Potter, it's not that hilarious." She grumbled, struggling to her knees. She noticed with a faraway interest that her right elbow was scraped badly, bleeding a bright crimson, staining James' shirt. Not that he cared much.

"Actually, I beg to differ. It is."

She rolled her eyes, yet privately inhaling his musky masculine scent. She joined him, sitting back to back with him, knees pulled up to her chest protectively.

He made her feel so good sometimes, that it didn't ever matter what was going on in the world. All that mattered was that he was there, beside her. Suddenly, that nagging though returned to her, leaping out into her vision. And, unthinkingly, she blurted out,

"James, do you like Kali?"

Oh holy…she winced as he turned around to face her, his eyebrows disappearing into his messy mop of hair. "Kali? Where'd you get that from?"

"Erlack," what in god's name had she just said? "No reason, it's just I saw you with her yesterday, and you were planning to go to Hogsmeade with her… and I thought, well, you know?"

"No, Lily, I don't know. She asked me, and since I didn't make a date with anyone, I decided to go with her. No big deal. She's too goddamn annoying anyways. Evans, you're insane."

"Wait. Really?" _Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit._

"Yes, you are insane. You've finally come to face it." He looked dreadfully amused now.

"No, goddamnit, Potter, you know what I mean."

He rolled his eyes. "Merlin, Evans, what's gotten into you? I don't bloody fancy Kali. Gah, I don't know where you people come up with this stuff."

Lily was too shocked to say anything. Suddenly, everything seemed to appear so much clearer and brighter. Happier. Oh thank you, she prayed, gulping back any screams of glee. She had no idea to who she was praying to, but apparently someone had looked into her sorry care.

She now had a chance. She always had had a chance.

The only thing that was stopping her now was herself.

And that was the hardest obstacle to overstep.

.x.

They had been sitting here for hours, like she and Elladora used to when they were younger. Like everyone used to when they were younger, when there was the time to just lounge around and talk about nothing in particular.

After her explosion and his initial amusement, she had quickly excused herself and had stammered out some harebrained, half-baked excuse that James surely did not believe. But Lily was too ecstatic to care, too gleeful to give it a thought. Somewhere along the first hour, James had threaded his hand in hers, inspecting her polish and helping her chip it off, both laughing pointlessly.

This was why she loved being near him. It just felt so relaxed, while sometimes it was just one long roller-coaster ride, with steep hills and loop-de-loops. He made her head spin with his dizzy, alluring smile and he sent places she never knew existed with a brief squeeze of a hand.

But, still, she couldn't help but feel a bit anxious and insecure. She knew it was a silly thought, but around James, things she tried to keep hidden under the surface burst out, threatening to detonate in her face if she didn't rectify them.

She knew what he thought of Kali, but what did he think of her? Did he think she was an ugly wench, or a cute acquaintance? James was too perplexing for his own good, she decided, as she slipped her head onto his shoulder, trying to focus on anything but her own faults.

What if she just asked? Briefly, offhandedly, as if it were nothing but a question to break the silence. He wouldn't suspect anything, would he? Oh, god, she hoped he wouldn't.

Finally, she shut her eyes and readied herself for the harsh truth or an impersonal, pitying lie. "James… do you think I'm pretty?"

She had asked herself the same question many times before herself, staring at her reflection and noting every single flaw and abnormality. She could even sometimes go to such distances that Elladora would call her a narcissist and chase her out of the bath, shoving her to class impatiently.

Lily supposed she was tolerable, as standards go. Her hair was a pretty colour, though it was much too curly and frizzy to be called beautiful. Her face was nice, heart-shaped with pale, creamy skin she had inherited from her mum, though the freckles did ruin the entire effect. Her nose was average, as were her eyebrows. Her eyes were a bit too big for her face and her lips were peculiarly shaped, her upper lip bigger then her bottom.

"Lily, why wouldn't I?" He sounded confused, tinged with a touch of irritation and astonishment. "You're stunning. Wait- why? Did someone say something? Who was it?"

"Nothing," she snapped, upset, "I was just asking, you don't need to get overprotective on me. I was just curious."

James looked eternally baffled. "Bloody hell, Lils, where do you think up these stupid questions? You're… just amazing, you know that?"

"Amazing?" She didn't bother attempting to raise an eyebrow; she already knew that she would fail.

"You're so surprising. I always thought I knew you, had you marked down as Perfect Prefect Lily Evans, who had a stick stuck up her arse so high that she forgot it was there."

"You were always so bossy and demanding, and I loved asking you out to piss you off, it was so goddamn funny to see you stomp off in typical redhead fashion. And then you went and proved me wrong. You're such a fucking enigma, you know that?"

She stared at him, open-mouthed and fully shocked. He thought that about… _her_? Clumsy, clueless Lily who always blurted out the wrong things at the worst possible times. Jesus, what the hell was wrong with him?

James was looking at her, waiting for any sign of what she thought, felt, wanted to say. She couldn't manage to say anything at the moment. It felt as if that was one largely unfeasible act.

Finally, she whispered. "I'm still bossy and demanding, you know? I'm not trying to be something interesting, I'm really not! I'm just plain, boring Lily Evans, that can't do anything right."

"Do you really think that?"

"Yes, trust me Potter, I know myself better than you do. I've lived with myself longer than you have,"

Sarcastic. "Oh, _really_?"

"Yeah." Equally cynical.

"Well, there's your first mistake."

"How?" She wasn't going to back down this time.

"Because you're the most amazing person _I've_ ever met."

That left her speechless.

.x.

_Gah, you people have so little trust in me. I said it once, I'll say it twice. There will be no James/Kali pairing; however briefly. Their "love" is all a figment of the overactive imagination of Lily Evans. I hate Kali more than you guys do, but she's necessary. _

_Btw, I'm especially happy that all of you like Lily, flawed as she is. And all those reviews. Yes, I especially adore the reviews._

_They seriously make my day. And make me write at speeds that make my fingers ache._

**Well, what'd you think? C'mon, don't be shy! Review!**


	5. A Burning Kiss

**Disclaimer: **See first chapter.

**Kiss**

**Chapter V – A Burning Kiss**

_I think that I'm going to have to change something._

_There's something wrong with a relationship involving us. James and I aren't going to work out. Fire and fire together don't work; we're just going to burn each other out. But I want to kiss him, just to know how it feels. How it feels to kiss someone that you might love. But if I kiss him, I'll fuck everything up. Because he likes me._

_He has to care. Everything inside of me screams itself hoarse with that fact, but I can't believe it. It seems much too sudden. _

_I need to take control of this. He'll never know what hit him. _

He had called her amazing. He had called her stunning.

James Potter had done something to her, had changed her, in these twisted, completely fucked up ways. And she liked that way. She liked the way he made her feel so exposed, so vulnerable, yet never taking advantage.

She liked the way he confused her, made her laugh and his beautiful, beautiful eyes.

Lily really loved this feeling.

Shaking herself from her excited, blissful thoughts, she looked over to a red-eyed Elladora, who looked more heartbroken then anything. Her clothing looked rumpled, as if she had slept in it, which wasn't very unlikely, knowing Elladora.

"Elly? C'mon, please talk. You're scaring me." Lily attempted again, petting Elladora's head comfortingly, trying to lull her friend into some sort of serenity. It was extremely hard to sooth aggravated teenagers, and she had found out the hard way.

"Mmph, what do you want?" Elladora muttered into her pillow, shying away from Lily's hand. That was unusual. Generally, Elladora thrived on any attention.

"What's wrong?" Lily tried to make her voice sound assuring and soft, but had a nagging feeling it was coming off as prying.

"Nothin', just the usual asshole being a prat, nothing new." Elladora replied, avoiding Lily's eyes.

"Are you planning to give me a straight answer anytime soon?"

"No." Elladora rolled around, still clutching the pillow over her face.

Rolling her eyes, deciding to leave her friend to her sulking, Lily walked out of the room, heading to the Prefect's meeting that she was supposed to co-host.

Not that she was excited to go see James.

Honestly.

.x.

"…-And that would be the conclusion of our monthly Prefect's meeting, any questions?" Lily wrapped up, quickly scanning the room for any raised hands.

As usual, everyone was too eager to get out of the room they had just spent two hours in, and didn't bother to attempt to prolong the boring experience. James, himself, was lounging in his seat, the chair tipped back to the back two legs. Oh, how dearly Lily itched to take a swipe at the teetering chair legs, just to see James' shocked face as he tumbled down to the ground.

"All right, than you all can go now." James finished off for Lily, who was too busy looked at him to realize that everyone was staring at her, awaiting dismissal. She blushed.

There was a rush as everyone took their bags and raced out the door, impatient to perhaps catch a Quidditch practice or play a game of chess before they went to sleep. Or just to get out of the room. James, instead, remained, looking over at her, smiling softly.

She felt incredibly self-conscious. He was following her with those piercing hazel eyes that caught everything, studying her every move. First, she slowly shuffled through her notes, organising them in her own little order. After that, she stored them in her bag, making sure not to ruin the pages by ripping them.

Then she stopped.

Naturally, Lily should have just walk out the door, bidding James a cheerful, everyday goodbye. But, she wanted to wait for James, who was still sitting there, now in a righted chair, watching her.

"Oh, for goodness sake, what are you looking at?" Lily finally snapped, turning to face him.

James shrugged.

They stared at each other for a few more moments, before a sneeze broke the silence. Kali stepped in, looking around briefly with her dark eyes, before settling her powerful gaze on James.

"James? Would you like to walk with me?" She asked, pretending that Lily wasn't even in the room.

Silently, Lily fumed. Of all holy things above, this was getting on her nerves. She grinned bitterly, ready to give James the hell that he deserved.

"But, _Jameeess_," she whined, jutting her hip to the right side, resting her hands on her hips in a childish manner and pouting. "I thought _we_ would walk back to the Tower together."

Well, he _did_ deserve it.

"Erm, well, Kali, love," he pleaded, eyes sparkling animatedly as he realized what Lily was trying to pull. "I did promise Lils to walk with her, and you know how I hate to break my promises."

Kali turned to look at Lily, her smoky eyes gleaming furiously. I guess this was the first time she had been refused. She blew her feathery fringe out of her eyes intolerantly, sending one last shuddering look at Lily before stomping off.

Yet, Lily didn't even care all that much. She had just got James to stand up for her.

"Thanks for offering to walk me to Tower, flower." James laughed, looking at her with that completely odd, approving look that alarmed her, because he had never looked at her like that before, years ago.

He called her flower.

"Not a problem," Lily laughed, her heart feeling fluttery. Light. Warm. All fuzzy and happy, as if something had happened momentous, something incredibly life-altering.

"Let's go?" James smiled.

And she hooked her elbow with his, still smiling too widely, still red from… whatever had just happened.

Something had changed in their relationship.

And Lily wasn't sure if it was for the good of it all.

.x.

Elladora Guffy wasn't popular with the boys. It just was a common fact, something that didn't need to be spoken or written down, because it just was that way, no buts or ifs. Her sassy attitude and frequent mood swings were too much to ask of someone to take care of, much too complicated for a romance.

Perhaps that was why Lily liked her so much. Elladora didn't date guys often, leaving that to others to deal with. Her mischievous manner did lead to the occasional one-night stand, but nothing that would worry her friend.

Lily liked it that way.

No boys ruining devoted relationships, no ex-boyfriends and perverse love triangles. Just uncomplicated, unadulterated friendship was the way Lily liked it.

But, for the oddest reason, Elladora was crying over some boy. Some juvenile, apparently uncouth little boy who had tried to use her, leaving Lily's closest and only friend curled up in her bed, soaking her pillow with wasted tears.

"-It was all a stupid bet, and I believed him, thought that it'd be nice to have a boyfriend, be normal for awhile. See how it is on the other side of the Quidditch Pitch. Be attached. Have someone to snog and hug and cuddle with."

Lily was getting frustrated. Elladora had been whinging for hours, snivelling and complaining, sobbing and being a quivering pile of teenage distress. But Lily _still_ didn't know who it was that had sent her into this state.

"Look, Elly, darling, could you just tell me who it was?"

"-And he was so crude about the entire ordeal, like I didn't matter one whit to him. Gah, I hate him!"

"-Elly, just please, could you for the love of all things holy,-"

"I hate him. I bloody hate Sirius Black and all his stupid mind games." And with that dramatic finish, Elladora collapsed back into her pillow, sobbing fresh tears.

By now, Lily was sure that Elladora was just milking it for all it was worth. She was much too blasé to drown in regret for so long, much less at all. It was definitely not like her. But, who knew? Elladora was the type of person who liked shocking people. It was just a second nature to her.

Still, the mention of Sirius Black did prompt two raised eyebrows from Lily. "Black, of all people, Elly? I thought you detested him."

"I do, I did," Elladora moaned from beneath her pillow. "It's just he was so sweet and charming, and I was horny and bored… I couldn't help it. He looked so good at the moment, and you know how I always jump into things, head-first. And then I found out it was all a bet." She broke out into a long string of curses, running her fingers through her bedraggled hair and getting them caught in it.

Lily flinched. This was _not_ going to end well.

.x.

"Falling in love or having a whirlwind affair?"

For the oddest reason, Lily didn't know. Falling in love had been one of the worst, yet most thrilling experiences that she had ever gone through. Yet, in the end, it felt so… inanely amorous. She liked it. The whole swirling, changing transformation that love was.

Yet, an affair sounded deliciously sexy.

"Um, well, I'd have to say falling in love," Lily replied, screwing up her face to look more thoughtful. "So much more romantic, and the overall factor is how nice it'll seem in the end."

James nodded. "I agree. But still, an affair sounds so fascinating, doesn't it?"

"Fascinating?"

James blushed, looking up at the sky while he did so, as if in futile hopes that Lily wouldn't see, "Well, yes, fascinating. Sneaking about, denying all rumours and yet still being incredibly passionate. It sounds like a thriller novel, or something out of History books."

James Potter had the strangest way of making sense.

"I s'pouse," she admitted as she tucked her legs under her folded lap, looking over at his resting figure.

He winked, grinning goofily. That small act resulted in her reddening deeply, and turning away, gazing up into the distance. What was it about him that made her feel this way?

"But… what if you're ruining your life by having this aforementioned affair? Then it really doesn't seem all that brilliant, does it?" She asked, curious if he really did have an answer for every question.

"Well, depends if the girl you're having the aforesaid affair is worth it. All I know that is if she's anything like I hope she'd be, if I ever did have an affair, than it positively would be worth it." He replied smoothly, as if he were reading the entire conversation off a slip of paper, hidden in his robe sleeve.

Lily shrugged, deciding to just let him win the argument. "Is it really that impossible to win a bloody spat with you, or am I just pathetically bad at debating?"

"A bit of both, I would think." James laughed, squinting at her in the fading sunlight.

She whacked him on the head at this, but gently. She didn't want to hurt him too badly; she still needed him for that goddamn kiss. If she ever got around to it, that was.

Somehow, Lily couldn't believe how quickly their relationship had shifted to this. Whatever this was, that is. From rivals to acquaintances, they had leaped around each other, their bizarre relationship baffling all their onlookers. She always had had that tiny crush on him, but now it had swelled tremendously, seemingly growing bigger every minute she spent in his charming presence.

Some would call it love. She just called it a minor, brief infatuation. Like those intense, fan girl crushes you developed when you were thirteen, hormonal and literally off the wall. He was just a craze, she would assure her doubting self conscious, stroking its paranoid ego, nothing but a cute guy who looked sexy in nothing but a towel.

Suddenly, Lily stiffened. James hand had crept up around her shoulders, pulling her closer it him. What was she supposed to do?

So, she moved closer, still frozen in her adolescent shock.

His hand felt warm on her bare arm, burning the cool skin with its fire. His voice has drifting around her, but she couldn't focus. All these intensely rapt emotions were running rampant inside of her, shaking her senses awake, and insane. His breath in this cool room chill, dark hair that tickled her neck, he spoke and time stood still. He was killing her, because she had no idea if anything was going to happen between them, everything was so muddled and fucked up.

It was as sick and riveting as violence. She wanted to tear her mind away from him, to look over to her right and watch a budding third-year romance, or to laugh and smile and pretend everything was okay.

Except that it wasn't.

So she kissed him. Because that's what always happened in the stories, wasn't it?

She craned her neck forward, capturing him and pulling his face down with both sweaty, shaking hands. She pushed herself against him, needy and desperate. All she wanted was to forget about how it felt when she was around him.

But Lily only succeeded in making it worse. Because it felt so perfect, so right, that she knew she had just screwed up the whole strategy.

His hair was velvety, nothing like she had expected, under her fingertips, and his lips were soft and warm, like a reassuring cup of tea on a bitter winter day. Everything inside of her was on fire, yet she felt no butterflies or fireworks inside of her stomach, like all romance novels said.

Instead, she felt light-headed and dizzy in the best way, and hot. She felt extremely, uncomfortably hot.

He kissed so… flawlessly. Ardently, as if every desperate, heated moment mattered the entire world to him, rushed and lustful, yet gentle and subtle, somehow that just made it so much harder to pull away. Everything about him was fire; his passion, his daring, his pure essence of life.

James Potter was going to burn her, if she didn't get away from the scorching passion that he held in the palm of her hand.

There was no way that this torrid romance was going to end well, she thought, as she plunged herself deeper into the kiss.

So she might as well get the best of it while it did last, however long it did.

Which no one was certain of, not even Lily herself.

.x.

_I'm so sorry, but it'll be awhile before the next update. This story is really getting into the plot right now, and I'll need some time to write it. Not to mention how demanding school is becoming. _

_I'm quite happy about the fact that many of you have noticed the slight change in Lily. Yes, she's growing confidence and trust in James, but I promise you, they won't be together for awhile, if I can help it._

_Otherwise, thanks a million for all the feedback pouring in! I'm really happy about it all. You guys are totally brilliant._

_Hugs,_

_Ria._

**C'mon, all you have to do is… REVIEW!**


	6. Like A Drug

**Disclaimer: **See Chapter One.

**Kiss**

**Chapter VI- Like a Drug**

_I feel so dizzy. As if the worlds gone off orbit and it's spinning at speeds that aren't possible, tossing me around like some lifeless rag doll. But I feel good. Like I've accomplished what I set out to do. But where do I go from here? Will I stumble to stop, when this merry-go-round of emotions will stop spinning? Will the blur of colours that has begun to become my life appear clearer? Will everything begin to make sense?_

_When seventh-year started out, I was seventeen, young and utterly doomed to failure. Now, I feel as if I've aged twenty years, gained a lifetime of knowledge, and at last begun to live. For the first time. I finally know how love truly feels like, how betrayal plays its treacherous game and how mystifying everything seems, when it's really glaringly blatant. _

_And I don't want out anymore, I want more._

Suddenly, it hit her. Tearing herself away from James' lips, Lily looked at him with wide, doe-like eyes. He looked as shocked as she did.

"W-what was that?" She whispered, still staring.

James, it seemed, suddenly remembered who he was, and quickly grinned his patented smirk. "I would say a quite hot snog, but correct me if I'm wrong."

"Stop acting like that," Lily snapped. What was his problem?

James looked as angry as she was, but was trying to hide it behind a mask of confidence and aloofness. "Like what, Lily? If I remember correctly, you're the one who initiated the entire thing."

"Well, yes! But, why'd you kiss back?"

"Generally, when an attractive girl kisses you, you kiss back."

"B-but," Lily made a frustrated noise in the depths of her throat, "you weren't supposed to kiss back!"

"Then why'd you kiss me?"

Was he being so bothersome on purpose?

"Well, because you looked… kissable."

"_Kissable_?" He looked dreadfully amused, smirking and raising his right eyebrow in mock confusion.

Lily crossed her arms across her chest, glaring at him childishly. "Yes, you looked bloody kissable."

James rolled his eyes, but decided against continuing with his line of questioning. Lily looked at him, trying to see past his bright, gleaming eyes. She followed the curve of his defined cheekbone longingly, noticing admiringly how his skin seemed bronzed from the sunlight.

It took Lily a few minutes to realize that she didn't feel inferior or introverted facing James, even though they had just shared a particularly awkward event. She had kissed him; it hit her with the force of a lightening bolt. She, Lily Evans, had snogged her dream, her fantasy, and… nothing had happened after! It was practically a monumental moment!

"So," James trailed off, ruffling his hair in that adorable way, "-what next?"

"What do you mean?" She asked, her eyes expressing the slightest hint of puzzlement.

"Well, we've moved from enemies to acquaintances, then from that to friends, now we just kissed." James explained, looking somewhat confused himself.

"We move fast?" Lily offered as an answer.

"Obviously," James said dryly. "But the question is if you're willing to go further?"

Lily shot him a disgusted look, forgetting about all her insecurities. "Ugh! Potter, stop being such a prick! I'm not shagging you for all the money in Gringotts!"

"Actually, I was heading for the path of 'maybe you'd like to go with me to Hogsmeade'," James said humouredly. "But I'm sure shagging will come along sometime."

Lily blushed. Oh Merlin, she was making a complete fool of herself again. Naturally, she should just agree to the date and get the entire ordeal over with.

But… she kinda wanted to make him beg. Lily knew she was being malevolent, but she wanted to see James understand how it felt. "Well, I'm not really up for… no."

James face displayed a sundry of emotions, both comforting and disturbing to Lily, as he narrowed his brow and mouthed the unfamiliar words. "No…? But why, Evans?"

Lily tried to shrug, but as her shoulder was pressed to his, it didn't work as well as it should have. "You've been a prick to me my entire life, Potter, and then you expect me to just jump into you arms and faint from the sheer pleasure?"

"B-but you fancy me!" James protested, hazel eyes wide behind his thin-rimmed glasses.

It took all the willpower Lily possessed to hold down a blush. "What? Where'd you get that from?"

"You just kissed me!"

"Momentary lapse of judgement, that's all," Lily said calmly, inching away from him glumly.

Maybe she should just agree… Hadn't she punished him enough?

James eyes were dark, a deep brown that made Lily's heart ache with regret. She shouldn't have said anything, keeping to herself and just agreeing to his proposition. Lily had wanted to, after all. But, all her stupid stubbornness and insecurities were holding her back…

"Well than, I guess we should just stop," James said angrily, "seeing each other. It seems like everytime something goes right, one of us screw it all up."

"It's not like that!" Lily protested, eyes blazing. "I just… I just… I want to trust you." She finished weakly, her umbrage suddenly deflated.

"Trust me?" His eyebrow twitched ever so slightly, but didn't rise. "We've been friends for how long?"

"Hardly," Lily replied, "we've been everything but 'just friends'. Maybe we should try it out before… a relationship."

"But I thought you didn't want one at all."

"Changed my mind," Lily snapped.

Something wasn't right. Lily could feel in her weary bones and she had the slightest suspicion that James did also. Peeking at him behind her curtain of curls, she noticed that he had the strangest expression on his face. …Was he giving up?

Oh Merlin, what had she done now?

.x.

The sun came up with a burst of rich, vibrant colours that morning. Oranges, pinks, yellows and the faintest traces of faded cerulean made their subtle watercolour splashes on the canvas that had become the sky. It was meant to be a beautiful day. Lily didn't think it would be that way.

She had woken early, after a long restless night of tossing and turning. She looked half-asleep and felt even worse as she made her hazardous way down the narrow, steep staircase, yawning deeply. Her blouse was creased and buttoned up incorrectly, hanging off her right shoulder and her skirt was as wrinkled as her shirt and was being hitched up every few seconds; her tie missing from the mismatched ensemble.

She didn't look like the intrepid Head Girl that everyone believed her to be.

Almost tripping over her own feet, Lily stumbled into the Common Room, blearily looking at an alert Elladora, who was dressed immaculately in her own pressed uniform. People kept exchanging looks, wondering what had brought on such changes.

"'Lo Elly," Lily murmured, "What class do we have first?"

Elladora shook her head, "Transfiguration. And, yes, I'm doing swell. Thanks for asking."

Lily, being too exhausted to answer or even comprehend what was going on, yawned in response. "Mm, yeah, quite nice."

A few younger students continued shooting her bewildered looks, but most had looked away, discussing the recent change in the girl with the people around them. Lily had finally cracked under the pressure, it seemed, and most were either grousing in incredulity and surrendering their well-earned galleons, or grinning deviously and collecting their stakes.

Ignoring all the odd looks sent their way, the twosome made their wordless way down the garrulous room and outside of the portrait, before heading down to The Great Hall for an early brunch. Both looked worn out, but in different ways.

.x.

"There he is! Oh dear Merlin, Black looks so delicious today," Elladora wistfully sighed as she nibbled on a slice of toast, wide, unblinking eyes focussed solely on Sirius Black.

Even though the youth had used and discarded Elladora, she still wanted to get into his pants.

But, then again, who didn't?

Lily, who was struggling not to fall asleep in her porridge, rolled her somnolent eyes, before pouring herself a goblet of pumpkin juice. "Elly, I thought you believed him to be an evil demon-child. What brought about this sudden change?"

Elladora sent Lily a harassed look. "Well… he's a gorgeous, yummy piece of demon-child ass. Happy?"

"Yes, you get so wonderfully descriptive in the morning."

"Stop being such a know-all, Evans," Elladora said from around a mouthful of buttered toast, "It might be the reason James is resentful at you."

Lily glared at her. "Oh? And how would you know, Ms. Guffy, that Mr. Potter is mad at me?"

"I told her."

Lily whipped her head around; her cheeks flushed a muted pink as she looked up at the aforementioned, smirking Mr. Potter. He looked really handsome, she also noticed, in his taut Quidditch trousers and navy tee-shirt.

And then there was that trivial lock of hair that was dangling in his dancing, sardonic eyes that kept calling out to her to push it away. Lily gulped.

"Really," Lily tried to keep her cool around him, cocking her eyebrow slightly. "And why must Elladora know about everything that goes on in your love life?"

"Because," he said, in the same standoffish, mocking tone of voice she was using. "That is what friends generally do: talk about what's bothering them and why."

Lily was the one who looked away first. Turning her gaze to a small scene going on at the Hufflepuff table, she tried to continue her act, but found that it was too difficult. He had won. "Alright, Potter, thank you and all, but I'd like to finish my breakfast in peace."

He obeyed her simple request, but she could feel his eyes on her the entire remnant of breakfast, watching her with intensity.

She had piqued his curiosity.

.x.

Lily felt herself being propelled backwards as she crashed head-on to the taller girl. Her many books spilled out of her arms and her bag jerked her down to the cold stone flooring, while the other person, apparently a Ravenclaw, balanced herself and offered a hand.

"Ah, Evans. How is it coming along with James?" She asked. Her voice held snide traces.

Lily looked up, meeting Kali Negrescu's detached gaze.

"Lovely, thanks for asking," was her airy response. Oh Merlin, how she wanted to smack this annoying specimen of a female.

Kali raised a perfectly-plucked eyebrow, carefully surveying Lily through cold, unfeeling eyes. As always, she looked perfect, without a hair misplaced and her face painted with delicate undertones of pale green and pink. As always.

Lily shifted uncomfortably, feeling her cheeks heat up slightly, but she ignored the escalating urge to run away, screaming. Instead, she picked herself up from the ground, all the while disregarding Kali's extended hand, and began to slowly gather her books.

"So…" Kali prolonged the silence calculatingly, following Lily's movements with her eyes, "But are you confident that James is as fond of you as you believe?"

Not for the first time, Lily marvelled how Kali had convinced the Sorting Hat to allow her to become a Ravenclaw. The girl was so much more a Slytherin, in both personality and function.

"Yes, I would think so." Lily replied, finally collecting all her things and repacking what had fallen out of her bag. The titles flashed by her eyes, willing her to just go to class, but she was still taunt with nervousness and quiet fury.

"Really?"

Finally, Lily snapped. Turning to face Kali, her shoulders pushed back in defiance, as if making the Head Girl badge on her chest seem bigger and more impressive, she said coldly, "Yes, really. You are such a bloody bitch; can't you just accept that James Potter will never like you, in any manner? Nobody could fancy you either way; you're so fucking frigid and malevolent. What the hell is wrong with you?"

Her sudden outburst shocked both of them, though Lily was much more obvious in her disbelief. Kali's eyes were wide and her ample lips were parted slightly in disbelief. The slender girl had frozen. "What the hell, Evans?"

Suddenly, everything that she had just said caught up to her, and Lily bolted, her face a discomfited scarlet.

Of course, that didn't make matters better.

.x.

There he went again, talking to that stunning Keeper, his eyes sparkling wildly and wind ruffling his hair. Her name was Kallisto Bristow, who was the Gryffindor Keeper and the sixth year Prefect.

Lily buried her face in her brown jumper, muffling a quiet scream. It was the Gryffindor Quidditch practice, once again, and she had decided rather impulsively to go outside with an enjoyable book and watch the training. Instead of finding herself immersed in her book, she was watching James Potter.

He was supposed to be explaining a strategy to Bristow, but to Lily it looked like excessive flirting. Lily felt extremely… well, pissed off would be about right. Not to mention that Bristow was attractive, in a clear-cut way, with naturally blond hair that was a smidgen overgrown and a trim, athletic figure.

Lily hated her. The girl carried herself with a grace and confidence that wasn't very often displayed in Lily and just was absolutely marvellously serene in James Potter's presence. She heard girlish chatter from a few feet behind her and Lily turned to look, hoping that it was someone familiar.

Two girls, appearing to be a few years younger than Lily walked up to her, one of them in Gryffindor Quidditch robes and clutching her shabby broom while the other dressed neatly in a Ravenclaw uniform.

They both joined her without asking. Lily recognised the Gryffindor briefly as the one who had a crush on James, the girl with comforting, dull eyes. The other had stick-straight auburn hair, brown eyes and an attractive composure.

"Hiya!" The former chirped, stretching her long legs, "You alright?"

"Er… yeah," Lily replied awkwardly.

"Oh! My name's Dorcas, Dorcas Meadows." She gave Lily another wide grin, which displayed the gaping holes in her mouth "This is Marlene McKinnon."

"Hi," the auburn-haired girl said shyly, looking away.

Lily smiled softly at the underclassmen, while mentally cursing her luck. They just had to choose her, of all people, to swarm towards. "What year are you two in?"

Dorcas, seemingly oblivious to Lily's pointed gaze, replied happily. "Oh, well I'm in Fifth, while Marlene is in Sixth."

Lily's eyebrows shot up. They looked much younger than that.

Marlene noticed her look of amazement and supplied quietly, "We both look younger than we really are, but I assure you, we truly are that old."

The girl's voice was soft and low with a caressing melody hinted at in her tender words. Looking up for a moment, she blushed when she noticed that Lily was looking at her and dropped her gaze.

"Anyways, did you hear about Florence and Remus Lupin?" Dorcas said excitedly. She looked hungry for gossip, apparently believing Lily was a reliable source for comments of the nature.

"No, who's Florence?" Lily looked puzzled.

The duo's eyes were enormous as they gaped at her, mouths parted slightly. "Florence, as in the perfect Slytherin Head Girl, five years ago? You know the one with that really pale hair and sarcastic attitude?"

Lily nodded, though the memory of this so-called perfection was blurry. She could remember, from her third year, an officious Head Girl with long flaxen hair, who was dating the Ravenclaw Quidditch Captain but it was a dim reminiscence. "I think."

"Well, the thing is, she met up with Lupin," Dorcas' eyes were growing wider and wider by the minute, "you know, the pasty, sickly guy that hangs around James Potter? Well, they met up in Hogsmeade and no one knows exactly, but apparently they're…" She paused for dramatics, "dating! Who would think?"

Lily laughed under her breath, not sure if she should either laugh in disbelief or tell the two off, but decided to leave it. Those two were an amusing pair, yes indeed.

.x.

"Hi."

Lily looked up, squinting in the sunlight, to see James Potter's awkward form. She smiled, softly shutting her book and putting it away, into her bag.

"Hello, James."

He looked really nervous but, as always, he hid it behind the overconfident mask that Lily disliked horribly. She wasn't sure why it was so obvious to her, all his lies and simple-minded illusions, but she didn't like them very much, to tell the truth.

"So… what're you reading?" He blushed, as if because he hadn't come up with a better interrupter than that. Sitting himself beside her spot against the large boulder that she was leaning on, he concentrated his eyes on her nails.

"Pride and Prejudice, the only romantic-inclined book I could ever bother with." She admitted, nervously playing with her silver chain necklace.

James cast a wary look at the well-read, battered book, cocking an eyebrow ever so slightly. "Really? Looks like you're fonder of romance than you let on."

"Oh, really, Mr. Potter? And who would you be, to make such a delicate assumption?"

He appeared to think about it for a moment, resting his chin in the palm of his hand and stroking it. Lily crossed her eyes and stuck out her tongue at this. "Well, I did kiss you once and I can bloody well tell you that it was one brilliant snog, in simpler terms. Therefore, you must've read some romance novels, for your knowledge of kissing is rather skilful and immense."

Lily didn't know whether to be flattered or insulted. He said things like that, confusing and bewilderingly complicated, yet sweet and utterly… James, when you reflected on it.

"Well," he shot her an amused look. "Did I win a kiss yet, or must I work harder?"

Lily turned red, when she realized the entire scheme behind the odd proclamation. "I think that won you a kiss."

And, suddenly, she found herself tangled in his arms, getting her breath sucked away, his warm hands on her neck and everything he did to her wreaking havoc on her emotions. There was something about him and his kisses, could it be love?

Earlier this week, she had stated herself immune to his charms and smirks, yet when he looked over, his eyes dazzling and so… comfortingly warm, she found everything she wanted to keep hidden bursting through their walls and cages. It was too intense a feeling, something she had never experienced before.

Whether she liked it or not, James Potter was under her skin, inside her veins. Like a drug, deadly yet satisfyingly pleasurable.

When they broke apart, breathing laboured and deep, she didn't know what to say, how to explain that it couldn't work. It wasn't right. So she kissed him again, for better lack of things to do.

Actions spoke louder than words, after all.

Yet… this action wasn't right in any ethical way, in any faith.

.x.

_Yes, yes, I know. Not much development in the entire romance department, other than quite a bit of snogging. I know Lily seems to be changing on her decision of whether to let herself be immune to James or whether to break up whatever relationship they currently possess, but it'll appear clearer in the next chapter._

_She's sort of stuck between what's right and what she wants, so naturally, she'll be very confused about what she needs and desires. _

_Meh. I didn't like this chapter very much. _


	7. Realizations

**Disclaimer:** See first chapter.

**Kiss**

**Chapter VII- Revelations **

-x-

_I think I'm in… love. It's crazy, the whole thought, but… I think that's what it really is. The thing is, he's James Potter and I'm Lily Evans and nothing ever works out when it's the two of us. It's foreign, insane, and completely _wrong_. Sometimes, I feel like I'm facing everything by myself with nothing but tears and a fake smile. But, when I'm around James, it feels different. It feels happy. _

_I've never really felt like that. Like the whole world is there, yours in that special way only the world can be. But… I think I've ruined our trust. Our hopes. Our chances. All he wanted to do was love me. But I was too afraid to let him. I screamed. I fought. I was a bundle of negative, sarcastic energy, with raging hormones she tried to ignore. _

_I know, I know, there's still a chance. There always is. But, I don't want to come off as needy, desperate. Pass it off as whatever you like, but I don't want our relationship (if it'll ever happen) to be based on pity, and pity alone. He's too perfect for that. He's… just so brilliant, sometimes, with his uncanny way of knowing exactly what's on your mind._

_He's like something out of a paperback novel. People like him don't exist. Not in reality, anyways._

**.xx.**

The inkwell flew across the room, shattering against the wall at the impact and staining the pretty cream wallpaper. Lily honestly didn't care about the striped wallpaper, though it would haunt her mind later. Her chest heaved and her legs were firmly planted apart.

James Potter was staring at her, eyes wide behind his glasses. In one hand, he held his bag limply and in another was a can of butterbeer. He was frozen, though he had ducked the flying projectile that had been lobbed at him.

"Oh, Christ, James I'm so sorry!" Lily cried when she realized that she had almost knocked his skull in. She rushed up to him and gave him a quick squeeze, trying to calm her racing heart. "I thought you were someone sneaking in! Oh Merlin, I must look like a right fool!"

James laughed. "No, not really, more like a frazzled Head Girl that had been scared out of her mind. It serves me right for sneaking in a three in the morning."

Lily smiled softly, but inside she felt more than guilty. He was acting so nicely to her, and he couldn't even walk by without being attacked. "Where were you, anyways?"

James shrugged, suddenly looking awkward. "I was with my girlfriend."

Lily glanced at him, at a loss for words, before remembering that he had no girlfriend. "James, you dumped Allison Carver last month, didn't you?"

He looked away. "Er, it's not Ally; we did break up. It's that Hufflepuff, Natasha, you know, the Prefect?"

"Yeah, I think."

James seemed to be relieved that such a girl existed, but Lily didn't mention anything. Instead, she ducked her head down and surveyed her nails idly, chipping at the newly applied polish quietly.

"So…" James trailed off, looking at her.

Lily smiled, trying to appear calmer than she felt inside. She wanted to kiss him again, she wanted to be reassured that he'd never leave her, always love her. At the same time, she doubted he'd want to be with her. There were so many other girls around, so much prettier and smarter and better…

"Look, I'm going to bed." James finally said, breaking the silence.

_Last chance, Evans… Just tell him… **tell him**…_

"Wait! Potter, wait for a moment," She said, breaking out of her reverie and striding across the room.

"Er... yes?"

Capturing his big hands in hers, she looked. Really looked, the kind where your sight is straining to see something not often displayed publicly. And she saw it.

In his eyes the colour of chocolate and chestnuts and gold, there was something else; anger, frustration, pity, laughter… love. She had been so scared, so apprehensive, when everything that she needed to know was right in front of her.

He loved her.

A choked sob escaped from her lips before she could stop it. Relief. She was filled with immense relief. She loved him and he loved her. And somehow, that made it perfect.

It didn't matter that her name was Lily Evans and she liked Sugar Quills better than Chocolate Frogs and that she had more than fifty freckles on her face. No, it honestly didn't. All that mattered, at this exact moment was how James Potter was looking at her, and seemingly looking through her and reading her mind.

"Lily?"

She leant up, pulling him down to her height with a jerk on his tie, and captured his face in-between her small hands. He stared back, not pulling away, not trying to get out of her grip. There it was again. Love.

It came closer, and she pressed against him, kissing him with every ounce of spirit inside of her, and some that she had borrowed. She searched, hunted for, the passion that she knew licked at her own heart with dangerous flames, inside of him. It was like kissing him for the first time.

Somehow, now that she knew he matched her in adoration, it seemed so much more… real, close. There were no words to explain it, when he pulled her down to the sofa and snogged like it was going out of style. His hands were still entwined with hers, and she sighed against his mouth, her breath being stolen away.

Then, as if he were regaining his senses back, James pulled away, eyes so wide they appeared as hazel-brown moons. "Why'd you kiss me, again?" He demanded, his eyes darkened with hurt.

Why?

"B-but, James! I finally get it! I lo-" Lily said excitedly, waving her arms around with an untainted happiness.

He didn't appear as pleased as she did. Instead, he gave her a rueful look and interrupted her declaration, "Lily, everytime I kiss you, you push away. You've told me once; you've told me twice, you don't like me. I get it."

What? "Wait!" Lily said, pulling at his arm unhappily. He ignored it, standing up and giving her one last disappointed look.

"I thought you were worth it, Lily. I guess you proved me wrong." He said, eyes portraying exactly how betrayed he felt. Lily's heart plummeted to the depths of her stomach when he looked at her like that. She loved him!

He walked away, crawling through the portrait hole without a second look behind him.

And she was left there, one thing running through her mind.

**Was it enough?**

**.xx.**

Her steps were slow and dragged along the flight of stairs as she climbed the staircase to her dorm room. She desperately didn't want to go up. Not to her wide-eyed, gossiping friend who twisted everything and anything… even though she was the closest and often best person to be around…

She didn't want to talk about it.

Elladora didn't understand privacy. She grew up in a big, pureblood family with siblings barging into her room every few minutes and eccentric, mordant parents that were increasingly growing acrimonious with age.

The door seemed to loom in front of her as Lily looked up at it, gulping down anxiety. She swung it open, eyes widening slightly as the light flashed into her vision and the chatter of teenage girl's met her ears.

She liked her dorm mates; they were quite nice at times, like Isabelle with her dark looks and position on the Quidditch team and Roxanne with her wavy hair and bright laughter. All three, except for the strange little girl with the bed in the corner who never appeared, were crowded around Lily's bed, giggling and whispering and staring at something.

"Hello there," Lily said, letting a breath of air escape from between her gritted teeth, "what're you all looking at?"

Elladora, always the first to notice, looked up, eyes shining. "Lily! You've got a secret admirer!"

"…what?"

Suddenly, Roxanne interrupted, even though she was usually quite shy and awkward. "Oh, Lily, it looks so gorgeous! You're dreadfully lucky." She sighed.

Lily felt a bit confused, and turned to her other dorm mate, even though they had barely exchanged anything but minimal pleasantries for the last six years. "What're they nattering about?"

Isabelle rolled her eyes. In her trademark husky, almost masculine voice she replied calmly, "You got a present. And the note isn't signed, naturally leading to the conclusion that you have an admirer."

"Ah." Lily glanced at the box that was lying open on top of her patched quilt and tried to identify what the small bundle of shiny fabric was. Beside it, an unravelled note was teetering on the edge of the bed and a small plastic bag tied with a bow lay at the foot of it. "So… what is it?"

Elladora, eager to catch the attention of her best friend, broke in, "A dress. It's simply marvellous, all shiny and green and sparkly. It's even in you size!"

Lily took a step closer, realization hitting her straight on. But... who? More importantly, why would they do it? Nestled in white wrapping paper and glitter lay the Dress. The one with a swirly skirt and tight bodice and that lovely dark green that complemented her eyes and hair and skin that she had seen in that tiny dress shop in Hogsmeade. The dress that cost way too much for her to purchase it.

The dress no one knew about. And, suddenly, it was in her hands and she could feel how silky and new it felt between her fingers. She traced the curve of where the fabric would stretch over her hips and the small, barely visible seams that had been so obviously sewed by magic and a steady hand.

Then she remembered.

James.

James Potter.

James Potter, who had smiled and teased her and asked her why she wasn't buying such a pretty dress. And how he looked at her when she said it was too expensive and how she thought it was lovely as well. James, the one who loved her and loved pleasing her in every way.

Oh shit.

Suddenly, it became too much for her to bear. Dropping the gown onto the ground, she turned and ran. Lily didn't know where she was running to, and she didn't care. She just needed to get away from herself. From all the things that were supposed to be right, but weren't. She needed to escape from her failure at perfection.

Was it two corridors or five? All she knew was that there was a stitch in her side and breathing was becoming exceedingly hard. She collapsed to the floor, trying to catch her breath as she pressed her forehead against the cool wall of the castle. Her legs hurt.

Oh, why was everything so wrong? James… beautiful James with his dizzy eyes and lopsided smirk that cared. He loved her, wanted her, but thought she was a tart, a user. Guilt wasn't something anyone liked to feel, and it was tearing her apart. She wanted to make things better, she craved it, but she was so angry, so empty. She wanted to be perfect, but it wasn't like that.

Why was reality so harsh?

She heard the footsteps before she saw the scuffed, black shoes. Stiffening, she gradually crawled alongside the wall, stifling her breathing with the collar of her shirt. But before she could escape, his shoes were there. Oh, and his lovely pant legs, but she couldn't really think about how he looked when he was so close to him.

"Lily." It was short and curt.

"James." Her reply was equally cold and clipped.

"I'm sorry for what I said."

"I know." She didn't know, but it seemed like the right thing you said to someone you loved so desperately that it ached inside of every crevice of your soul. Could he forgive her? Love her? Then she told him, she needed to. "I love you."

He looked angry, furious. "I don't know if I love you anymore."

No. No. No. Please, God, anything but this. "You bought me the dress, I know you did. Don't lie."

"I won't. I bought you the dress. It doesn't mean I love you, though."

She let a dry sob escape her lips, it was a pathetic noise, but she really wanted to cry. Anger, frustration was overwhelming her and she broke in a way she didn't know was possible. "I want to be that girl you point to and say '_That's her'_," Lily shouted. "Don't you get it? I bloody love you! I want to be the only hand you'll ever need to hold! I want all those corny, sappy couple things that I used to poke fun of! I need you, don't you see?"

She turned, not wanted to see those dizzy hazel eyes and hear his words. She wanted to cry, and hell, she deserved it after today. Ducking and dodging everything, and shoving as many things as she could, she collapsed into the Common Room, sobbing inaudibly. Everyone turned to look at her. She glared back.

She couldn't go back to her room, after breaking into a fit and running off. There would be too many questions that she didn't feel were ready to be answered. There was only one thing left. James. James' lovely room that she never seen before, with his divinely his bed that probably smelt just like him was where she could hide.

When she finished the thought, she was already half-way up the staircase and facing the room's heavy, cherry-wood door. Now or never, Evans. Do it now. She walked in, sustaining her breath and holding back tears for later.

Lily stared around the room with wide eyes, running her hands over the mussed bed sheets, strewn clothing and Quidditch posters absent-mindedly. Everything seemed so James, so _him_, that she didn't even need to ask if this were his bed, she knew. Not to mention it smelt wonderfully like James.

She tossed a Quidditch magazine off the bed and buried her face in his pillow, breathing in the musky, soap-scented James scent. Quietly, she slid under the red embroidered covers, curling under it happily, and let her mind drift.

She remembered how his lips felt against hers, the soft pressure, the warmth, the love. He was right for her; it had felt so wholesome and delicious, as if she were indulging in chocolate after being on a strict diet for weeks. It was the way his hands caressed her face after, his deep eyes looking into hers and the strange tingling feeling that went through her veins. The way his hair felt between her fingertips. His warm, strong chest and the way it felt against her heaving breasts. Everything about him drew her crazy, she laughed, and that had to be love.

He had to be the right one.

But, would he take her? She chased away the lonely thoughts after a moment of reflection, returning to a more hopeful outlook.

Lily ran a hand under his pillow languidly, shivering in glee at the cool texture that slid underneath her fingers. She wrinkled her forehead in confusion when her hand met a smooth, leathery object. She pulled it out, only hesitating slightly. The words James Potter were inscribed on the cover, the smooth gold letters looking up mockingly at her. James kept a diary?

Lily couldn't help it, her curious nature took over and she flipped open to the first page. She would only indulge in the first entry. There was only one and it was dated back yesterday evening.

Before her eyes a story unfolded, and as she developed further into his writings, she smiled.

_I used to think you could pretty much divide people into two categories: those who believe in love at first sight and those who don't. I was a proud member of the second category. I used to think you fell in love with your brain…Um, that came out wrong. Let me rephrase. I used to think your brain was in use when you fell in love. _

_Then I met Lily Evans. Every time I've ever had anything to do with Lily, my brain has said, shit, this girl is nothing but pain, misery and trouble. And in this case my brain was completely right. But in spite of my brain's lack of cooperation, I've fallen in love with her. It happened the first time I ever saw her. It was a clap of thunder, a bolt of lightening, a monsoon. All of those cheesy metaphors I never believed before (although there was actually a monsoon going on at the time). There is no good reason for me to love Lily. There are only good reasons against it. Every day I struggle to release myself from it. Every day I try to convince myself that it will go away._

_So anyway, I guess you could say my brain is sticking with the second category, claiming that no, there is no such thing as love at first sight. My heart betrayed it in favour of the first category, arguing, yes, absolutely, it's the only kind of love there is. And now my brain and my heart aren't even on speaking terms anymore. _

_When I said "divide people", that wasn't exactly what I had in mind. I told my friend Sirius about this theory, and he told me also had a theory for how to divide people: those who divide people and those who don't. _

She ran a shaking finger over the ink-stained page, feeling her knees weaken as she reread the words, over and over again, trying to make sense of what she had just read.

He loved her. Even though he said he didn't. There was still hope. He bought her dresses and kissed her on the lips. He cared. With a self-assured smile, a soft pleased one, she rose, softly shutting the leather book. She needed him; she needed for him to assure her. Then, with one final sigh, Lily left the room, in search of a much loved Mr. Potter. That stupid, foolish, brave and arrogant dark-haired youth that made her heart beat with a clarity she had never known to exist.

James seemed to be the only guy that ever understood her- who would ever understand her.

And she was quite happy with that fact, thank-you-very-much.

Now…

How the hell was she going to get him back?

**..x..**

_I think this is going to be the second last chapter, or the third. Depending on how everything pans out. Thanks for all your support, hope you stick around!_

_Ria._


	8. Just Like A Fairytale

**Disclaimer: **This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros. Inc.

**Kiss**

**Chapter VIII- Just Like A Fairytale**

Lily found him outside on the Quidditch pitch, mounted on his broom and spinning around frantically in the air, creating loop-de-loops and other tricks that made her heart hammer against her ribcage painfully. She stood there for a few minutes, face being whipped at with her fiery-red locks and her eyes wide as she watched him. It was peaceful, almost comforting, knowing that he was there, solid and familiar.

The diary entry ran inside of her head, the words that were written with a sharp, tiny scribble that covered the page. It wasn't right, that she had found out that he still cared for her by reading his private records. Maybe it wouldn't work, trust was important in relationships and theirs was obviously lacking it.

No, Evans, don't change your mind again. You love him, he loves you, stop making it so bloody complicated. She nervously ferreted around in her denim pocket, finally pulling out a small silver charm and scratching at the surface idly. She tossed it up and down for another minute, catching it smoothly in the palm of her hand.

She sighed again, shifting from one foot to another, squinting at the rapidly diving James. Finally, he tumbled to the ground, laughing to himself as the exhilaration from flying at such high speeds downward settled in. Lily bit back a smile. She could still faintly remember the first - and last - time she went on a rollercoaster at the local spring fair.

The speeds she had hurtled down at the ground at, the cool metal that she had gripped with all her might, her scream echoing and combining with others. It was a faint memory, but one that brought back fondness and laughter.

'Hi James,' she finally spoke up, taking a few tentative steps in his direction.

He picked himself up on his elbows, looking at her with a slightly mistrustful look in his eyes, 'Lily. How are you?'

'I'm alright. You?' She offered, not meeting his gaze.

'Pretty dandy. So…' The awkward silence seemed familiar.

Lily finally said what had been nagging her mind for a while. 'We really need to talk, James.'

'I know.'

Falling to her knees in front of him, her eyes were soulful and needy, desperate. She needed him, it was inevitable, and she needed to kiss him and love his like it was the only thing left. Because it was. It was the only option left; either leave him alone and never talk to him again or become something other than this confusing whirlwind of angst and confusion.

'I want to know why you said you didn't love me,' she finally said, finding his cold hands and holding onto them so desperately that it pained her.

He looked away. 'I can't explain it, Lily. It's not easy, it's one of the most complicated things that I've ever felt. Please, don't pressure me into giving you an answer.'

'I need you, James. Stop doing this to me.' She admitted, gritting her teeth to dull the ache.

His eyes flashed, he was angrier than she had ever seen him before. 'You're complaining? You've played me, bemused me, made me feel like dirt because I thought that I had done something wrong! I can't deal with the constant drama of being around you, I really can't!'

Tears were raining from her eyes now, she had broken away from him and hidden her face behind two shaking hands. How could he say this? Had she really done that much damage? 'W-what?'

'Lily, I'm sorry. I loved you, I might still do, but… I don't know if we can pull it off.' He spoke earnestly, eyes shining. She didn't know what to say, how to say it.

Thus, she picked herself up, trying to stifle her fury and total failure. 'I love you, I still do. I believe in you, and… I don't know. I really don't know.' She said, before walking away from him. Walking away from what she thought would be the second chance. From what she thought would be her final chance.

Why did things never work the way they were supposed to?

…xx…

Lily found herself in the dungeons, oddly enough, her back leaning against the cold stone and tears slowly making their way down her stinging cheeks. Rejection… he told her he still loved her, but she had ruined it.

She furrowed her brow, squeezing her eyes shut and muttering a prayer under her breath. So this was how heartbreak felt like. With a slow, teasing finger, she traced a small heart into the dust around her, before smashing it with one flip of her wrist.

It didn't make her feel better, but it was oddly soothing. Footsteps broke her hopeless wanderings, and Lily looked up. A teenager, wearing a sullen look on his face, with his hands jammed into his denim pockets and his scuffed army boots attracting dust to finely settling on them, looked at her, smirking.

'Evans.'

'Black.'

'Mind if I sit with you?'

'Yes.'

He sat anyways, stretching his limbs with that masculine grace that only guys like him carried. Flicking a strand of impossibly dark hair out of his expressive grey eyes, he gave her another snarky, slightly attractive smirk. Lily felt tingles run down her spine at that smile, but she hastily looked away and concentrated on a rusted candleholder mounted on the wall.

'James fancies you.' Sirius said, stating the obvious.

'I know, Black.' Lily replied, mindlessly bored out of her skull.

'You broke his heart, he broke yours, it's all fair in love and war, darling,' Sirius said knowledgeably, inching closer to her.

'What would you know about love?' Lily snarled, shoving his away angrily.

There he went again, reminding her of everything that she needed to forget. He was handsome, almost painfully so, but he lacked the tact and intelligence that most human males carried in their genes. No, he was just plain idiotic.

Sirius' eyes were stormy as he looked down at his hands. 'A lot, considering I've never had a steady girlfriend. I'm waiting for someone perfect to show all everything to, though.'

'Who would put up with you on a regular basis, Black?' She snapped, jerking her chin in his direction and looking into those stormy eyes daringly.

Suddenly, almost as if lightening had struck, he had grabbed her face and pressed his lips against hers almost frantically. He clambered over her stunned body, kissing as if every cell inside his body was invested in her. Lily lay still for a moment, submerged in shock, before she remembered what was happening and pushed him away roughly.

'What the hell was that?' She cried, eyes wide from disbelief.

He seemed stunned himself. 'I-I… don't know.' He finally admitted, still looking at her with a dazed look in his eyes.

She couldn't handle this. James, now Sirius, who next? It was driving her mad with only one boy on her mind, but with two? It'd be impossible. She stood up on shaky, half-asleep legs and walked out of the room, not even bidding goodbye. She couldn't do this.

It was asking too much.

..xx..

Elladora Guffy was useful in instances like these. Not always the most reliable and informative, she was always around somewhere and most of all, she _listened_. Lily, distraught and slightly scared for the forthcoming, found Elladora sprawled on her four-poster bed in the dormitories, flipping through a magazine and humming along with a song.

'Elly?' She asked, voice wavering.

Elladora looked up, mismatched eyes inquisitive. 'Lily? What's wrong?'

Lily walked to Elladora's bed, shaking slightly. God, Elladora's eyes were so bloody unnerving. She knew thinking that was mean, but she really needed stability and comfort at the moment, and it didn't look very possible with Elladora's odd blue and brown eyes.

'James told me he loved me once…'

Elladora's face brightened. 'That's ace, Lily! I thought you fancied him, didn't you?'

'I think I love him,' Lily confessed, shoulders slumped in defeat. 'He told me that he doesn't know if he loves me anymore. Something about the drama that dealing with me brings.'

Her two slender eyebrows shot up, and the sceptical look in her eyes was apparent. 'So, after everything, he can't… trust you? How long have you know about your affections?'

'Pretty long.' Lily said.

'Bullcrap!' Elladora exclaimed, then her hand swung over her mouth and she blushed. 'Sorry, but how the hell does that work? He fancies you and you're head over heels for him, yet you aren't dating?'

'Something like that,' Lily said with a shrug. 'I don't want to mess it up anymore, but nothing works.'

'It's perfect, the both of you,' Elladora mused quietly, 'if the both of you don't get together, the rest of us are doomed.'

Lily scoffed. 'Not everything is like the fairytales you're so in love with, Elly. Things are different in real life. _I_ just wish I could accept that, myself.'

The dirty-blonde shook her head. 'They're never different. After all, fairytales came from somewhere, didn't they?'

'Yeah, from the neurotic minds of lonely, loveless dreamers.' Lily snorted, tucking her legs under herself.

'Then… am_ I _one too?' Elladora said slowly. 'I mean, I've had my heart broken, I wish that certain someone would notice me and I want desperately that charming prince to sweep me off my feet. Am I just another pathetic fantasist, Lily?'

'Oh. Elly, shit, I didn't mean to say it like that!' Lily backtracked, a wince etched in her face.

'Of course you didn't.' Elladora said flatly, playing with a strand of hair and not meeting Lily's eyes.

'I didn't!'

'If you truly regretted it, you'd go and try again.' Her eyes, intimidating as they were, were bright with determination and anger. 'You're such a hypocrite, Lily, you know that? You walk around claiming that everyone is just foolish to believe in true love, but you're completely mad for James Potter! Everyone admires you, girls lose their boyfriends to you, and you still claim that you're ordinary. I'm sick of it. You're as big of a romantic as anyone else is, stop advising others against creating castles in the skies until you stop yourself!'

Lily stared. It hurt, it really did, to hear this coming from her best friend. Somehow, oddly enough, it had struck a chord inside of her. Maybe that wasn't so off the truth as she thought…

'I'm sorry.' She finally whispered.

'I know.' Elladora said. 'Now go make things right, will you?'

'But…' Lily protested.

'He loves you. Nothing else matters right now.'

No one said anything for a tense moment or two, there was nothing left to say. Finally, Lily stirred from her stupor, and slowly stumbled to a stand. Nothing was said, no goodbyes or good lucks broke the silence. And she walked away, her confidence and determination were renewed.

As Lily left the room in search of him, there was one thought that suddenly bothered her.

What girls had lost their boyfriends to her?

…xx…

She wasn't going to screw this up. She couldn't. It was impossible for something to go wrong now, everything had already happened. There was only going up after this. Or, at least, this was what Lily was trying to drill into her mind. It wasn't working, apparently, since she still was completely petrified of what was coming next.

How do you tell the boy that rejected you how much you really care? It was impossible, improbable and completely insane was what she thought. Where was he? She had checked outside, the common room and the kitchens, yet he was still yet to appear. It was definitely making her even more panicky than before.

Somehow, she found herself alone in the corridor, hands balled into fists as she stared at a portrait of an elderly woman in a chair. The woman looked quite disturbed, actually, and kept shooting suspicious looks at Lily.

Meanwhile, Lily had barely noticed. Her ragged breathing broke the silence that normally would dominate the forlorn corridor. Finally, with a soft voice she spoke, more to herself than to anyone.

'I thought it wouldn't matter. I really didn't, God knows, but somehow falling in love with everything he is felt so good and wholesome that I almost forgot for a moment.' She wiped at her face furiously, rubbing her eyes, 'He's different. He's the kind of guy you fall in love with. He's the kind of guy that whisks you off to the castle that you created in the sky on a white stallion. He's perfect.'

Burying her face in her shaking hands, Lily felt her knees weaken and slowly collide with the wall. She let herself slide down, landing on the ground with a barely audible thump. The stress of being 17-years-old was taking it's toll on her.

'I ruined it. I ruined everything that seemed picture-perfect because I didn't want to give up. Elly was right. I'm going to fail at life if I keep this up. Or, maybe, I already have.' She hiccupped a laugh, crying freely now. 'I'm so madly in love with him, but all this stupid self-doubt always gets in the way. Always.'

So deeply wrapped in her private confession, Lily didn't notice the boy with grey eyes that was watching her cry. The heart-stopping, handsome boy looked down at his scuffed boots, obviously in deep though, a pained expression on his face, before he walked away, a decision made.

One minute followed another, Lily cried all the frustration out of her being until she was sitting there calmly, her face a mask of tranquillity. Inside, she was still the furious, lost seventeen-year-old.

'Lily?'

She knew who it was before she looked up. It was something in the quaver of his voice, something in the uncertainty the question held. 'James.'

'You know I'm sorry.' He said from his place a few feet from her corner.

'You always are.'

A dry laugh. 'Never helps, does it?'

She shook her head, looking at him from the periphery of her vision. He looked so handsome, so happy with a tinge of regret. 'Never does, James.'

'Does it help that I'm sincere?' He wondered out loud.

Lily shrugged. 'Not really, but everything helps in the long run.'

'Sirius told me you were here, talking to yourself.'

'Really?' She said, slightly interested but careful to hide it. 'He kissed me once.'

James grinned softly. 'I know. He fancied you. Claims it's over, though. What were you talking about?'

'When?' She said, cautious. Nervous.

'Earlier. You know what I mean.'

She shifted nervously in her place, glancing up at him as he joined her. A strand of messy hair wandered into his eyes, but he didn't brush it away. She liked it in his eyes, made him look more boyish and approachable. Lily pretended to think, tilting her head and glancing around at the ceiling for a moment. She'd tell the truth.

'I was throwing a temper-tantrum about you.'

James had the decency to look surprised, though she suspected Sirius had told him this already. 'Was it good things, I hope?'

Lily gave him a small half-smile. 'Not much, just mainly ranting about what an enormous asshole you are.'

'I deserved that, didn't I?"

'Yeah, you did.'

It felt better now. Nicer. Things weren't so tense anymore, and neither of the two could exactly pinpoint why. It was something that had settling over them, as if the wall between them was slowly breaking. Lily looked up at him from underneath her lashes, breath hitched in her throat.

'I'm sorry too.'

James smiled, a bittersweet, heartbroken type of smile, 'I know.'

'I love you.' The words felt right at the time. They slid off her tongue, suspended in the space between them.

He quirked a smile. 'I know that, too.'

'But…' Lily said, hands shaking as she quickly hid them in her lap. She couldn't show how much it mattered, how much she cared.

'And I think I love you too.' He continued, smiling openly. His hazel eyes danced from under his metal-framed glasses, the beautiful colours brighter and more vivid than before.

Lily took a deep breath before mentioning her deepest worry, 'Is it enough?' She paused, waiting. Hoping. Praying. There was nothing left to do, there was … nothing left except for one word to be uttered from between his lips.

A precarious moment, slowly slipping away from her reach before, 'I think so.'

Somehow, those words felt so much better than anything she had experienced before.

It was another chance.

…xx…

**Authors Note:** _One chapter to go, baby! I know there will be a lot of burning questions about Sirius and his odd little stint and where the hell it came from. All in good time, my loveliest readers, all in good time. I know this chapter wasn't the most moving… but I really liked the simplicity of it's end. Mainly dialogue with a hint of heavy tension._

_… okay, here's a question for you guys. Would you fancy an epilogue? This is for the reason that I think the other characters won't have enough closure in the next chapter (which will mainly focus on Lily and James). Plus: A word from Sirius and what the hell's going on with his out-of-the-ordinary behaviour._

**Review? **


	9. Sometimes It's Worth It

**Disclaimer:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros. Inc.

**chapter 9: **sometimes it's worth it

_I was always a hopeless romantic, in love with love and the shiver that it run through me. I believed in celebrating love's grandeur and opening my heart to experience all of love's intense, deep emotions. Then I discovered James Potter - an intoxicating, frustrating boy that led me into a whirl of seductive, sensual and amorous notes. He changed me._

_I'm still drawn to life's simple pleasures… a long laugh with a good friend, the clean smell of fresh sheets, or a cold vanilla ice cream on a hot, muggy day. The scent of vanilla is comforting to me … like a cosy blanket of a heart-warming scent. James Potter smells exactly like vanilla._

_Everything about me leads to the conclusion that James Potter is good for me – made for me. And now that I have him, I'm never letting go. Because if I do … I might ruin the person that I've become. This is going to be my final diary record ever: I need to give up my old identity and become a new one. I'm different now - loving James did that to me._

_And it was the best change I ever underwent. _

She was enjoying her current situation very much. She was enjoying everything – from the sensation of grass in between her toes, lying in the sun, feeling a soft breath of air caress her skin. She always had had a desire to feel in harmony with nature's green freshness, and she was currently living it.

Her breath came in short, happy bursts as the many sensations she was experiencing rolled through her veins like a gush of warm liquid.

Everything she was feeling - the warm, comforting sunlight dancing on her bare legs, James calloused fingers stroking her hair and threading themselves through the tousled curls and the water that splashed against her toes, barely wetting her feet - made her head spin from the glee. The glee she wanted never to end.

Softly, Lily looked up, squinting in the brightness, her green eyes meeting James content hazel ones. "Hi," she rasped, smiling warmly at his amused look.

He cocked one dark brow in return to her smile. "Hello, Lily - what _would_ you like?"

She stuck her tongue out at him, wrinkling her brow.

He grinned roguishly. "Oh, a kiss, is it? Well, why didn't you just say?"

Lily sprang up, blushing as she tried to deny her supposed coy act. He ignored it, and instead locked his arms around her body and pulled her nearer to him, still smiling that annoying lopsided grin.

As she felt herself drawn closer, she tilted her head slightly and ran her lips over his collarbone, tracing wet kisses towards his ear. Oh, how she was enjoying this, while not knowing what the hell she was doing.

He caught her lips, only hesitating slightly before feverishly kissing them, ravishing them with hidden passion. Lily still couldn't believe this was her- that she was so _fucking_ lucky. After everything, after all she did, he wanted her, and he maybe even… loved her. The foreign words that had been her mantra, the chances that she cradled lovingly in a womb during the entire long year. They had become her life.

Disentangling herself from the mess of limbs and blanket that they had become, Lily pulled away slowly, relishing the feeling of his hands on the small of her back. It wasn't right- how could anyone look that adorable? More importantly- he was hers.

It felt good to know that - to finally be able to believe it – James Potter was her boyfriend. Hers. She savoured the word. A tuft of his irreplaceably vital messy hair fell into his eyes making him look a few years younger than he really was. Hers.

"James," she said, sitting up and peering up into the sun, "I'm going to go find Ellie; I promised we'd talk today." It wasn't entirely a lie – she was going to see Elladora. _After_ she talked to Sirius, though.

James pouted. "Aw - you said we'd spend the day together, without any interruptions!"

"I know, I know," she still couldn't believe how lucky she was to even know him, "I'll come right back after. Promise."

Finally, James let go of her waist and smiled dazzlingly. Just the mere intensity of his grins sent shivers down her back and an overbearing happiness to permeate her being. She pondered briefly if she should just forget about Sirius Black and all the inner turmoil and ruckus he had caused – but, of course, her curiosity got the best of her.

_It was such a lovely Saturday morning_, she mused, _why did she always get involved in such problematic things like this? _Bidding James goodbye, she dusted the grass of her fitted white t-shirt and swishy, knee-length polka-dotted skirt and slid into her black high-top sandals. Capturing her mess of tangled hair in a top-knot, she scurried across the Hogwarts grounds.

A few familiar faces waved at her, but she was too lost in her own thoughts to notice. Finally, she walked through the main doors, fists tightly clenched and teeth gritted against each other. Inside, she noticed a blonde-haired fourth-year that seemed familiar. The curve of her cheekbone and her peppy manner reminded of that one girl who harboured an intense obsession for Sirius…

Surely she would know where he was?

"Um, excuse me?" Lily said nervously.

The girl turned, brown eyes nosy, "Yeah?"

"Would you happen to know where Sirius Black is?" Lily realised how odd she sounded, but luckily the girl nodded, her chin-length bob rebounding of the curve of her jaw.

"Yes. He was in the left wing, last time I checked." She looked at Lily, "why d'you care?"

Lily smiled tightly. "I had to ask him something. Thanks."

"No problem," the girl was clearly suspicious, but she was obviously too busy with her current task to really spare Lily another thought.

Lily dashed out of the hall, clambering up two flights of stairs and rounding several sharp corners before she saw him. Inside her chest, her heart gave an involuntary leap; no matter how little she liked him, he was still the most handsome boy she had ever seen. He was lurking around, face set in a frown as he peered out a window.

"Sirius?" Lily said, taking a step forward.

The boy turned, one eyebrow raised. He looked moody when he realised who it was. "Hullo, Lily."

"You know why I'm here, don't you?" There was no point in fooling around and avoiding the reason. No matter how gorgeous he was – _tall, dark and handsome was definitely in act with his genetics_, she thought slyly – the same things was pertinent – she was in love with James Potter.

Right?

He smirked coldly, looking very out-of-character, "I believe so, Evans."

Suddenly, looking at his unfeeling grey stare, she found herself unexplainably angry. "How dare you dump Ellie, of all people, after you made her think you cared about her? Then you kissed me!"

"I cared about Elladora, I seriously did-" a smile played on his lips, "- but it didn't feel right."

"And kissing _me_ did?" Lily said loudly, face red as she stared up into his eyes.

He looked at her, seeking something in this calculating way inside of her that made her shiver. "Yes. It made me feel decent, and frankly, Evans, that's good enough for me."

Lily felt a mirthless laugh escape her lips. How dare he? "You jumped me after James rejected me! How could you?"

He didn't reply at first – just stared at her with that unnerving look in his eyes. She felt his hand slowly place itself on her hip, caressing the skin that he touched. _He was so close_… another shiver ran down her back. Almost in slow-motion, he bent his head and pressed his lips against hers in a soft embrace. It wasn't a kiss – it was too brief and gentle for that.

"I don't know." He whispered against her skin, hot breath on her lips.

Even though all her nerves were screaming James' name in her ears, her heartbeat was pounding and all she could feel was her blood rushing hotly through her body. Another kiss – this time longer and harder.

_James. James. James._

_You love James._

_James Potter who gives kisses that make you forget and who smells like your favourite tea. Adorable James with lopsided glasses and a crooked grin, who makes your stomach flip-flop and your heart skip a beat. _

But this was Sirius Black, who was so handsome that it hurt and she never thought could kiss like this. He had his hands in her hair and his warm, firm body was pressed against hers. No.

_James._

Lily pulled away, gasping for her breath. Words escaped her – everything did. He was smirking in that self-gratuitous way that always grinded on her nerves. He knew that she belonged to James in every aspect, yet.. did she? Shame flooded her body – how could she kiss James when the memories of Sirius's kisses were far from fading?

She took a grinding, shaky breath and took a few steps backwards, eyes bright and absorbed in thought. James. Beautiful James with his dizzy eyes and ironic smile – James who loved her as much as she loved him. Yet, Sirius Black was fire, was enthralling and crazy and burned at touch.

"I- I ..." she whispered, quivering slightly in her guilt.

"You want me." Sirius stated this as a fact, his stone-grey eyes burning with a light that both frightened and excited her.

"_No_," she said forcibly, "I love James – there isn't any possible way that I – I could ... hanker after_ you_."

"Then why do you kiss me like that?" He said angrily, voice filled with rage and passion and something she couldn't really understand.

"I'm _not_ a whore, Sirius!" She said with tears in her eyes as she spun on her heel and began to run away from his burning touch and fervent gaze.

As she turned a corner and skidded on the cold floor, only one thing reoccurred in her mind.

_But are you, Lily?_

-x-x-

Elladora was looking at her. She ignored her friend's intense stare and snuffling, began leafing through her old diary. A stray curl fell into her vision and she brushed it away, pretending not to notice Elladora's soft footsteps padding over.

"Lily?" Elladora whispered, resting one spindly hand on her shoulder.

Instinctively, she shrugged Elladora's hand of off her shoulder and steadily turned to face her. Elladora's stringy blonde hair was falling about her face in tousled waves, mismatched eyes gleaming brightly.

"Hullo, Ellie." She whispered in reply, smiling jadedly.

Elladora laughed softly. "It's Elladora, Lily."

"I know."

They stared at each other for a tense moment, everything escaping their minds except how _different_ being friends felt. They used to be able to tell each other everything – anything that irked their conscience, even the tiniest bothers. Now, they were both shadows of what they once honoured.

"I'll always love you, Ellie," Lily said, tears threatening to spill over, "you'll always be my best friend – no matter what."

Elladora smiled weakly and nodded – but her heart was not into it, they both saw it. "And I'll be yours, Lily. Promise."

And, for a moment, they stare at each other before bursting into teary laughter.

"That was so incredibly cliché!" Elladora said, leaning into Lily and not showing Lily her face. Lily knew she was crying, either way, because the shoulder of her t-shirt was steadily being soaked by black mascara stains and bitter tears and everything that Elladora had held inside for the last year.

"Oh God, Lily. He loves you." Elladora sobbed and buried her face in her arms. She almost seemed ashamed.

And that was the arrow that pierced her heart because Elladora was always so proud, so reckless, so amazingly strong – and she wanted to hurt Sirius Black_ so_ badly it griped her mind painfully.

"I _hate_ him," Lily hissed and, for a moment, she believed it. "He's just trying to ruin my friendships – my relationship with James – but he won't, Ellie. We won't let him."

But Elladora wasn't listening – she was much too deep in her sorrow to care. Her painful sobs wracked her delicate, bony frame, and something inside of Lily broke.

Because she had never felt so alone.

-x-x-

"James..." Lily felt shaky and sick and completely horrid, staring at him and trying to remember the words she had practiced on the way there. There he was, beautiful and dark and utterly heart-wrenching, looking at her lovingly.

So this was how betrayal felt.

"Yeah, Lils?" He said and patted the space on the sand-covered lakeshore beside him. She swayed nervously and avoided his gaze – there was something in the air that night.

Lily slowly let her legs give way and collapse underneath her, her skirt flaring up and revealing her unadorned white underwear to James. He didn't seem to notice – his eyes were still intent on her face. She took a shuddering breath of cold evening air and opened her mouth to speak. Nothing happened.

"Lily?" He reiterated, eyeing her nervously.

_Oh, God, I love him so much, _She thought, and when she remembered how kissing Sirius Black felt, she hated herself even more. "Oh. James," she started, closing her eyes and chewing roughly on her bottom lip, "the thing is... I – I kissed, oh God-"

"Lily," James murmured again, sliding over to her and taking her shaking hands into his, "if this involves anything that I'd really not rather know – and that you'll never probably do again – don't tell me. I don't honestly care if you've done something wrong."

She looked at him with tearful eyes, mascara and brown liner smudged, as if she had rubbed her eyes a great deal over the last hour. She needed him so much that it was tearing her into pieces – ripping her apart – but she needed to tell him the truth even more. "You don't get it, James. I – I shouldn't have done it. I," _betrayed_ _you, like some common whore – as if you weren't anything important_, she thought bitterly, but somehow the words couldn't leave her thoughts.

"Lily." He said slowly, interrupting her, "do you love me?"

She looked at him. "Yes – more than anything."

"Then I don't care if you've done something – _anything_ – wrong. I don't _want_ to know, Lily." James was staring into her face and she couldn't look away and somehow she _knew_, that he already understood everything that occurred.

_It would be so easy to forget_, she thought, _and to let James take me away and protect me_. Then the word comes hauntingly back into her mind and she shuts her eyes again in shame. _Whore. You're stringing James along while you snog with Sirius – his best mate! Slut. Whore. Bitch. You're nothing better than those two-cent girls on the streets that you use to sneer at._

"Lily," James repeated, "I _love_ you. It doesn't matter anymore."

"I swear I wouldn't kiss him again," And all those difficult and painful words came tumbling from her lips in a rush of jumbled speech, "he was such a fucking bastard, James. I hate him _so_ much that it hurts me and I love you and God, if you leave me – because that's what you should do – I swear I won't be angry but I'm going to _break_ inside." She took another deep breath and barely registered the way his hands tightened their grip on hers, "A - And I – I love you _so_ badly. I swear."

And his hand found her hair and he stroked it reassuringly and pulled her into his arms. Lily found that crying into his shirt was incredibly soothing and soon all her tears had dried up. There was no point dreading the moment when he'd leave her – it'd happen and it would be her fault. All her fault.

But, instead, he pulled her face out of the crook of his shoulder and lifted her chin so that she would be looking him in the eye. Lily shuddered slightly, anticipating anger and screaming and even hate – instead his eyes were full of a curious mix of love and laughter and utter dismay.

"I know." He said simply and kissed her without a second thought.

For a moment, Lily wasn't sure what was exactly happening. She had confessed her enormity of sins – their stupidity and infidelity – and he _kissed_ her? But it felt so amazing and enthralling that she let him – she let him make her forget. And he smelt like vanilla and tea and his hair was so wonderfully _soft_. When they pulled apart, Lily stared at him with a wide-eyed, flummoxed look.

"I don't care, Lily," He said in response to her confusion, "I love you too much to care that you've made mistakes, like any human does. I_ trust _you."

And, suddenly, she felt amazing – like the problems of the world no longer rested on her shoulders. "I promise, James, I won't ever do anything again. I love you, please."

And he laughed in that lovely, humoured way that made her want to laugh with him. Things were somehow going to right themselves – she would make it with him beside her. Everything – Elladora and Sirius and all those stupid things that shouldn't have mattered – wouldn't stand a chance against James.

He was perfect and he would make her real again. He would help her overcome everything – that's what people in love did, right?

And he captured her face between his hands – _his warm, big hands_ – and smiled down at her in his sideways, ironic little way. Love was going to save their souls and let them escape the problems that seemed to follow them – the last year was worth every single tear and frustration for this single moment.

And he kissed her in his dizzying, loving way and Lily had to hide a secret little smile that had crept onto her face. Oh, Merlin, this boy was outright intoxicating. He should be forbidden for making her feel like this. And at that moment, Lily felt that she would never care for Sirius Black – or any other boy – again. As long as he continued kissing like that.

No matter what happened next, they would be ready.

And it was unquestionably worth it.

-x-x-

**The Incredibly Long And Important Author's Note: **Er. Hi. Yeah, yeah, I know there are probably over a million grammar and spelling mistakes in this and it makes barely any sense – so sue me. I felt incredibly guilty when I realised how many people had been reading this story and I left them off at such a horrible ending so I stared at my computer screen for an hour before typing this up. Sorry. Honestly. Anyways, I might – big maybe – put up a prologue, depending on how things will turn out.

I'm so incredibly sorry that this took me so long. I was seriously thinking of taking this down. But I'm not. No idea why, except that I'm probably going to be re-writing it and reposting it. Because I'm sad like that. **What'd you guys think?** Should I spiff it up? As you can see, this chapter is very different from the other ones – writing style and direction of plot – and I think I could vastly improve it. Once again, sorry for me being so weird. And for the swearing. Yeah. That. Heh.

I love you guys so much. Seriously. No, I'm not kidding. Yeah – I mistreat people/things/objects that I like. I'm weird like that.


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